Playing "I have a little ghost and he won't scare you..." and pumpking bowling
Cute costumes, cuter kids
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Halloween Play Group
Our FSA Halloween play group was so much fun. The little ones painted pumpkins, played games, and of course, ate donuts! The costumes were adorable just like our kids.
Playing "I have a little ghost and he won't scare you..." and pumpking bowling
Cute costumes, cuter kids
Playing "I have a little ghost and he won't scare you..." and pumpking bowling
Cute costumes, cuter kids
Foster/Adopt
Foster/Adopt
By: Tene Olsen
First of all my opinion and experience with adoption is this: If where ever you start the adoption process and the opportunities are not coming after waiting for a reasonable time maybe the Lord is telling you that your child is somewhere else. We started with LDS Family Services and waited almost two years. Expanded our search. Found our first child in Michigan and the other two were to come from the state of Utah through foster care. You have to know that you keep the Holy Ghost with you in all decisions. We believe that adoption is one of Heavenly Fathers very intricate plans.
The experience of adoption through foster care has been really great for us.
Foster care goals are:
1. Reunification with parents. It is always first in foster care.
2. Adoption, if reunification goals were not met.
My opinion: if the child or children were reunified with parents then they were not meant to be in my family or they may come to me at a later date.
Here is more information:
To do foster care we went through licensing/training so that we could do foster/adopt.
The first experience we accepted was bringing in a little girl that was six months old. This was hard to do after a while because I knew that we were to have a boy join our family. She stayed six months and then was returned to her family. She was returned to a not so good situation.
The next child we received was a seven-month old boy. We fell in love with him. It was a shelter situation and could move into full foster care while reunification was going on. It did not. He was returned within a week to his biological father who did not have anything to do with why he was removed from his home. I was really happy for this little guy even though I wanted to keep him; he wasn’t supposed to be in our family. We accepted another baby boy for about a month and he was also placed with his biological father.
The next call came for a little boy. (You can obviously tell that I now told them that I only wanted boys and was on the right track) This little guy was our son Elias. He was 18 months old, short, chubby and stand-offish. The caseworker brought pretzels for us to give him so that he would warm up to us. Thank goodness for caseworkers who know how to help! It didn’t take long and we were traveling back from Ogden with him.
We had weekly visits in Ogden with his brothers and family members who would come. After the hearing I was not able to go to, the caseworker called me and asked “So what date do you want to set up for Elias adoption?” Excitement, tears. You can’t describe the joy I had for myself and our family and the sadness I had for his birth mom. In this family unit of siblings to Elias he had three sisters placed with biological fathers and two brothers placed with another couple. This is why they try to keep families together. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it shouldn’t be hard to realize the importance of families and the repentance process that allows a child’s parents to receive them back into their family. As always, Heavenly Father takes a bad situation and makes it better. If going back to the family is not ruled by the judge as safe, then they get to go to your family to be nurtured.
After adopting Elias, we received a call for a little girl. We visited her and knew she was to come into our home. She was to come within a week but things changed and she went to her Aunts home. We were called again and asked to take a boy and girl. We were all ready to take them but felt that overwhelming feeling that they were not to come to our home. The little girl that went to her Aunts was placed into our home months later. She was 20 months old. She is our daughter Mette.
By: Tene Olsen
First of all my opinion and experience with adoption is this: If where ever you start the adoption process and the opportunities are not coming after waiting for a reasonable time maybe the Lord is telling you that your child is somewhere else. We started with LDS Family Services and waited almost two years. Expanded our search. Found our first child in Michigan and the other two were to come from the state of Utah through foster care. You have to know that you keep the Holy Ghost with you in all decisions. We believe that adoption is one of Heavenly Fathers very intricate plans.
The experience of adoption through foster care has been really great for us.
Foster care goals are:
1. Reunification with parents. It is always first in foster care.
2. Adoption, if reunification goals were not met.
My opinion: if the child or children were reunified with parents then they were not meant to be in my family or they may come to me at a later date.
Here is more information:
- • It is not as heart breaking as you think
- • Those who do foster/adopt are placed with children from birth to five years old.
- • The main goal of foster/adopt is that children are placed with you in the hopes if the reunification is not met then they stay in your home. They do not want children moved around.
- • It is a professional, family, serving and growing atmosphere.
- • You get to choose what age, gender, and circumstance of child that comes into your home.
- • You get to ask and receive information on the child and birth parents before you bring them in. Remembering that everything stays confidential.
- • Adopting through foster care brought low stress with finances as we were given monthly payments for the needs of the child.
- • The classes on parenting each child type were very valuable.
- • It is the best experience to be a child’s advocate.
- • The Home study and back ground check are part of licensing.
- • They have a network of professionals and foster parents that you meet with each month or can call.
- • Seeing a child returned to their family can be hard but also extremely rewarding in knowing the work you have done to rebuild a family unit.
- • The reward in adopting a child that you have advocated for during many months is overwhelming. You have love for the birth parent because you have seen their struggles and have a deeper appreciation of who they are and their choices. Now you get to continue on that parent role that they could not do for whatever reason.
- • If you need it, the D.C.F.S. pays for the attorney fees to adopt.
- • *Not all times are perfect during foster/adopt. So if you keep that in mind and a positive attitude this will be a memorable experience.
To do foster care we went through licensing/training so that we could do foster/adopt.
The first experience we accepted was bringing in a little girl that was six months old. This was hard to do after a while because I knew that we were to have a boy join our family. She stayed six months and then was returned to her family. She was returned to a not so good situation.
The next child we received was a seven-month old boy. We fell in love with him. It was a shelter situation and could move into full foster care while reunification was going on. It did not. He was returned within a week to his biological father who did not have anything to do with why he was removed from his home. I was really happy for this little guy even though I wanted to keep him; he wasn’t supposed to be in our family. We accepted another baby boy for about a month and he was also placed with his biological father.
The next call came for a little boy. (You can obviously tell that I now told them that I only wanted boys and was on the right track) This little guy was our son Elias. He was 18 months old, short, chubby and stand-offish. The caseworker brought pretzels for us to give him so that he would warm up to us. Thank goodness for caseworkers who know how to help! It didn’t take long and we were traveling back from Ogden with him.
We had weekly visits in Ogden with his brothers and family members who would come. After the hearing I was not able to go to, the caseworker called me and asked “So what date do you want to set up for Elias adoption?” Excitement, tears. You can’t describe the joy I had for myself and our family and the sadness I had for his birth mom. In this family unit of siblings to Elias he had three sisters placed with biological fathers and two brothers placed with another couple. This is why they try to keep families together. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it shouldn’t be hard to realize the importance of families and the repentance process that allows a child’s parents to receive them back into their family. As always, Heavenly Father takes a bad situation and makes it better. If going back to the family is not ruled by the judge as safe, then they get to go to your family to be nurtured.
After adopting Elias, we received a call for a little girl. We visited her and knew she was to come into our home. She was to come within a week but things changed and she went to her Aunts home. We were called again and asked to take a boy and girl. We were all ready to take them but felt that overwhelming feeling that they were not to come to our home. The little girl that went to her Aunts was placed into our home months later. She was 20 months old. She is our daughter Mette.
Monday, October 12, 2009
International Adoption
CHINESE ADOPTION by Stephanie Kendrick
We started our Chinese adoption journey in April of 2005 after wanting desperately to have a little sister for our youngest daughter, Meghan, who was 3 years old at that time. Our other two daughters, Randi and Kailey, were 13 and 11 when we began the adoption process.
On April 18th, 2005 we mailed the application to our adoption agency and on March 19, 2007, almost two years later, we were in China adopting our little Halle Liangli who was not quite 3 years old.
The process to adopt from China takes quite a while longer than when we adopted Halle. The timeline is currently like this:
-Application: 5 working days.
-Dossier: Approximately 5 months. This is a collection of documents that report on all aspects of your life and represents you as adoptive parents. It takes a few months to gather all the required information.
-Dossier Review: 9-11 working days.
-Wait to Match: Approximately 40 months. The China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA) is the government agency in Beijing that matches all adoptive parents with Chinese children. The CCAA reviews your Dossier and matches you with a child according to your qualifications and the preferences you have stated in your paperwork.
-Match to Travel: 5-8 weeks. After you receive your child’s photos and translated physical examination report from your adoption agency, you have a few days to sign and return your Child’s Acceptance letter. After accepting your child, you will be put into a travel group and invited by the CCAA five to eight weeks later to travel to China to complete your adoption.
-Travel: 14-16 days. You will be in China fourteen to sixteen days to complete the whole adoption process.
The current costs to adopt through the agency we used are $19,400 to $21,900. This includes travel expenses for two adults but does not include your home studies or post adoption costs.
We went through the adoption agency Chinese Children Adoption International and they were nothing less than FABULOUS!!! I would highly recommend them to anyone having the desire to adopt from China. They are honest, up front about all the risks, and there for you every step of the way including your travel to China.
You can view their website at www.chinesechildren.org or contact them at 303-850-9998. You can also contact me at 435-770-2804.
Good luck on your adoption decisions and remember: “There is an invisible red thread that connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break."
INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION
by Kim Freeman
Before you begin.
I highly recommend that you take a realistic assessment of you ability to handle a wide range of possible situations. Do you feel equipped at handling certain medical conditions? How would you handle Reactive Attachment Disorder? How would you feel about having little or no information about your child’s birth or life before coming the orphanage? Is adopting an older child a good option for your family? How long are you able to travel to a foreign country? Do you embrace other cultures and countries? How does your extended family feel about other races and ethnicities?
If you feel that International adoption is the right answer for your family after prayerful consideration, the next step is to determine which country is the best fit for your family. Countries vary greatly on the length of time an adoption takes, fees paid, which couple are eligible to adopt, etc. You can find help deciding on a country by contacting the yahoo group, LDSIntAdopt. The database contains valuable information about different countries and agencies used by the members. Once you select the country you would like to adopt from, you need to find a reputable agency that works in that country with a reputable orphanage. Ask questions. Make sure you are comfortable with the process, the agency and the orphanage. Ask the agency about possible costs not already disclosed. Educate yourself. Read about adopting an older child. There are many wonderful books on international adoption.
After you select a country, agency, orphanage…be prepared for the timeline to not go as expected. There are a lot of steps in the legal process of adopting internationally. At any point, the process could stall. Be optimistic but realize that it might take longer to get your child home than what you expected. The waiting process can be difficult but rewarding. Use your time wisely by preparing your other children for the arrival of their new sibling or by learning more about the culture of your child’s birth country.
Finally the long awaited day comes and your child comes home. It is a wonderful moment. After your child arrives, give your family plenty of time to get to know each other and adjust to a different family dynamic. Your new addition is going through a major life transition. Give them lots of time, love and understanding. Don’t forget the other family members, your lives are all changing dramatically. Don’t plan big family gatherings or large welcome home parties. Time for your little family to bond and get to know each other is the most important thing right now. There will be plenty of time for large celebrations later.
At times, International adoption can be frustrating and down right heartbreaking. But the end results are well worth the emotional rollercoaster. All moms would go to the ends of the earth for their children. Internationally Adoptive Moms just do it literally.
PRIVATE RUSSIAN ADOPTION
by Kay Giblette, Robin Miller’s mom
She would be happy to answer any other questions or give more details regarding her adoption experience. Ask Robin for her email address if interested.
My Husband and I are the happy parents of 6 biological children and two Russian princesses. Julia,14, joined our family 5 1/2 years ago at the age of 8. Karina joined us 2 1/2 years ago just before her 5th birthday.
We were initially working with an agency who said that they could take us to the region we desired and then backed out on that after two months into the process. We were then able to sign a contract with an independent lawyer who took us on as a special case both because of our age (I was 49 when we began and my husband was 52) and our desire to go to a certain region.
Going independently required doing most of the paperwork ourselves, and in Russia there is more documentation required than almost anywhere else. With Karina we were put off for a whole year after our first visit and then given two weeks to redo all the paper work, which had expired, and then two more weeks to make all arrangements to travel.
We traveled twice for Julia and three times for Karina, spending nearly two months in the country combined. Looking back, this has been invaluable because we became acquainted with the Russian people and their culture, thus understanding our daughter’s personalities, behaviors and culture better.
We also had to arrange for our own visas and travel arrangements as well as those of our lawyer who met us in Russia and was our translator, facilitator, cultural advisor and legal representative. I tend to be a very calm person and felt as though I was on an emotional roller coaster much of the time. We were thwarted at many points in the process. Steeling ourselves and pressing forward in faith, we saw may miracles clear the way for us.
Our social worker was hesitant to support us in adopting a child as old as eight. She said that too many agencies do not hesitate OK'ing the process for older children because the dollar is the bottom line for them. Too many of these children end up being wards of the state because the parents couldn't handle the adjustments and time and patience involved in helping these precious children normalize. We would recommend that people who adopt older children have previous experience with children all the way through adolescence, and have positive experience with difficult relationships.
Our daughters are delightful and loving and very happy. They are ours and we could not think of them otherwise, but they do have issues, most of which arise from lack of trust in systems and others around them. There are also cultural personality traits that tend to be inherent to the Russian people themselves.
We have felt since the day we first met these beautiful girls that they were our daughters. Even so it has taken time and the ups and downs of life together to ingrain their character and personality and new features into our heads and hearts. Not too long ago I mentioned something about Julia in a visit with friends that indicated that she had been with us since birth. Julia got a funny look on her face and then looked at me and said something about not being here that long and for a moment I was confused. I quickly caught my mistake and said, "Oh, yea, I forget". She kind of liked it, but at the same time she is proud of being both adopted and from Russia. Her aunt is from Ukraine, her older sister recently adopted a little baby girl and her new sister-in-law, whom she admires, was adopted by her relatives when she was a toddler.
Our youngest biological child, who was thirteen when Julia joined our family, thought he wouldn't have any problems adjusting......but he did. He was kind of jealous for a while and Julia was a bit jealous of sharing attention with him; but after a year they settled into normal sibling, cat-and-mouse rivalry with unspoken affection which has increased over the years. The same dynamics repeated themselves with Julia and Karina two years ago when Karina joined our family.
With Karina we have come to appreciate how much development occurs in a stable, well loved child during the first few years of life. While Julia had grown up in a dysfunctional family, she had been loved and only had 1 1/2 years in a state institution. Karina was abandoned early by her birth mother and was institutionalized as a baby. She knew love and affection but otherwise had no training, harsh discipline, no language skills, and was not potty trained. In addition, she had been ill often and had urinary tract and dental problems and a skin condition. The skin condition took two years to clear up and she has had surgery for her urinary tract problems and several visits to the dentist. These circumstances are minor and fairly normal for these children, but can be very taxing for the adopting family. Our family's love and support has been invaluable.
For us, adoption has been a spiritual, poignant, stretching and rewarding journey... an amazing adventure. Even in the beginnings of the process, we found we were stimulated to see ourselves and our traditions in ways that brought about almost immediate improvement in all of our relationships. We cannot begin to enumerate the ways love and joy have increased in our lives as we have worked to bring these two fantastic daughters into our family circle.
We started our Chinese adoption journey in April of 2005 after wanting desperately to have a little sister for our youngest daughter, Meghan, who was 3 years old at that time. Our other two daughters, Randi and Kailey, were 13 and 11 when we began the adoption process.
On April 18th, 2005 we mailed the application to our adoption agency and on March 19, 2007, almost two years later, we were in China adopting our little Halle Liangli who was not quite 3 years old.
The process to adopt from China takes quite a while longer than when we adopted Halle. The timeline is currently like this:
-Application: 5 working days.
-Dossier: Approximately 5 months. This is a collection of documents that report on all aspects of your life and represents you as adoptive parents. It takes a few months to gather all the required information.
-Dossier Review: 9-11 working days.
-Wait to Match: Approximately 40 months. The China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA) is the government agency in Beijing that matches all adoptive parents with Chinese children. The CCAA reviews your Dossier and matches you with a child according to your qualifications and the preferences you have stated in your paperwork.
-Match to Travel: 5-8 weeks. After you receive your child’s photos and translated physical examination report from your adoption agency, you have a few days to sign and return your Child’s Acceptance letter. After accepting your child, you will be put into a travel group and invited by the CCAA five to eight weeks later to travel to China to complete your adoption.
-Travel: 14-16 days. You will be in China fourteen to sixteen days to complete the whole adoption process.
The current costs to adopt through the agency we used are $19,400 to $21,900. This includes travel expenses for two adults but does not include your home studies or post adoption costs.
We went through the adoption agency Chinese Children Adoption International and they were nothing less than FABULOUS!!! I would highly recommend them to anyone having the desire to adopt from China. They are honest, up front about all the risks, and there for you every step of the way including your travel to China.
You can view their website at www.chinesechildren.org or contact them at 303-850-9998. You can also contact me at 435-770-2804.
Good luck on your adoption decisions and remember: “There is an invisible red thread that connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break."
INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION
by Kim Freeman
Before you begin.
I highly recommend that you take a realistic assessment of you ability to handle a wide range of possible situations. Do you feel equipped at handling certain medical conditions? How would you handle Reactive Attachment Disorder? How would you feel about having little or no information about your child’s birth or life before coming the orphanage? Is adopting an older child a good option for your family? How long are you able to travel to a foreign country? Do you embrace other cultures and countries? How does your extended family feel about other races and ethnicities?
If you feel that International adoption is the right answer for your family after prayerful consideration, the next step is to determine which country is the best fit for your family. Countries vary greatly on the length of time an adoption takes, fees paid, which couple are eligible to adopt, etc. You can find help deciding on a country by contacting the yahoo group, LDSIntAdopt. The database contains valuable information about different countries and agencies used by the members. Once you select the country you would like to adopt from, you need to find a reputable agency that works in that country with a reputable orphanage. Ask questions. Make sure you are comfortable with the process, the agency and the orphanage. Ask the agency about possible costs not already disclosed. Educate yourself. Read about adopting an older child. There are many wonderful books on international adoption.
After you select a country, agency, orphanage…be prepared for the timeline to not go as expected. There are a lot of steps in the legal process of adopting internationally. At any point, the process could stall. Be optimistic but realize that it might take longer to get your child home than what you expected. The waiting process can be difficult but rewarding. Use your time wisely by preparing your other children for the arrival of their new sibling or by learning more about the culture of your child’s birth country.
Finally the long awaited day comes and your child comes home. It is a wonderful moment. After your child arrives, give your family plenty of time to get to know each other and adjust to a different family dynamic. Your new addition is going through a major life transition. Give them lots of time, love and understanding. Don’t forget the other family members, your lives are all changing dramatically. Don’t plan big family gatherings or large welcome home parties. Time for your little family to bond and get to know each other is the most important thing right now. There will be plenty of time for large celebrations later.
At times, International adoption can be frustrating and down right heartbreaking. But the end results are well worth the emotional rollercoaster. All moms would go to the ends of the earth for their children. Internationally Adoptive Moms just do it literally.
PRIVATE RUSSIAN ADOPTION
by Kay Giblette, Robin Miller’s mom
She would be happy to answer any other questions or give more details regarding her adoption experience. Ask Robin for her email address if interested.
My Husband and I are the happy parents of 6 biological children and two Russian princesses. Julia,14, joined our family 5 1/2 years ago at the age of 8. Karina joined us 2 1/2 years ago just before her 5th birthday.
We were initially working with an agency who said that they could take us to the region we desired and then backed out on that after two months into the process. We were then able to sign a contract with an independent lawyer who took us on as a special case both because of our age (I was 49 when we began and my husband was 52) and our desire to go to a certain region.
Going independently required doing most of the paperwork ourselves, and in Russia there is more documentation required than almost anywhere else. With Karina we were put off for a whole year after our first visit and then given two weeks to redo all the paper work, which had expired, and then two more weeks to make all arrangements to travel.
We traveled twice for Julia and three times for Karina, spending nearly two months in the country combined. Looking back, this has been invaluable because we became acquainted with the Russian people and their culture, thus understanding our daughter’s personalities, behaviors and culture better.
We also had to arrange for our own visas and travel arrangements as well as those of our lawyer who met us in Russia and was our translator, facilitator, cultural advisor and legal representative. I tend to be a very calm person and felt as though I was on an emotional roller coaster much of the time. We were thwarted at many points in the process. Steeling ourselves and pressing forward in faith, we saw may miracles clear the way for us.
Our social worker was hesitant to support us in adopting a child as old as eight. She said that too many agencies do not hesitate OK'ing the process for older children because the dollar is the bottom line for them. Too many of these children end up being wards of the state because the parents couldn't handle the adjustments and time and patience involved in helping these precious children normalize. We would recommend that people who adopt older children have previous experience with children all the way through adolescence, and have positive experience with difficult relationships.
Our daughters are delightful and loving and very happy. They are ours and we could not think of them otherwise, but they do have issues, most of which arise from lack of trust in systems and others around them. There are also cultural personality traits that tend to be inherent to the Russian people themselves.
We have felt since the day we first met these beautiful girls that they were our daughters. Even so it has taken time and the ups and downs of life together to ingrain their character and personality and new features into our heads and hearts. Not too long ago I mentioned something about Julia in a visit with friends that indicated that she had been with us since birth. Julia got a funny look on her face and then looked at me and said something about not being here that long and for a moment I was confused. I quickly caught my mistake and said, "Oh, yea, I forget". She kind of liked it, but at the same time she is proud of being both adopted and from Russia. Her aunt is from Ukraine, her older sister recently adopted a little baby girl and her new sister-in-law, whom she admires, was adopted by her relatives when she was a toddler.
Our youngest biological child, who was thirteen when Julia joined our family, thought he wouldn't have any problems adjusting......but he did. He was kind of jealous for a while and Julia was a bit jealous of sharing attention with him; but after a year they settled into normal sibling, cat-and-mouse rivalry with unspoken affection which has increased over the years. The same dynamics repeated themselves with Julia and Karina two years ago when Karina joined our family.
With Karina we have come to appreciate how much development occurs in a stable, well loved child during the first few years of life. While Julia had grown up in a dysfunctional family, she had been loved and only had 1 1/2 years in a state institution. Karina was abandoned early by her birth mother and was institutionalized as a baby. She knew love and affection but otherwise had no training, harsh discipline, no language skills, and was not potty trained. In addition, she had been ill often and had urinary tract and dental problems and a skin condition. The skin condition took two years to clear up and she has had surgery for her urinary tract problems and several visits to the dentist. These circumstances are minor and fairly normal for these children, but can be very taxing for the adopting family. Our family's love and support has been invaluable.
For us, adoption has been a spiritual, poignant, stretching and rewarding journey... an amazing adventure. Even in the beginnings of the process, we found we were stimulated to see ourselves and our traditions in ways that brought about almost immediate improvement in all of our relationships. We cannot begin to enumerate the ways love and joy have increased in our lives as we have worked to bring these two fantastic daughters into our family circle.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Using another agency?
So, You Want to Adopt a Child
….and you’re thinking of using an unknown agency
If you’re preparing to adopt a child, you’ve probably all been in one or both of these situations:
1)You check your email and there is one informing you of a birthmother who is due soon. She is working with an agency you haven’t heard of and they are looking for an adoptive family.
2)You’re working with LDSFS to adopt a child and are encouraged to put your profile on ParentProfiles.com. (Or maybe you’ve already done this).
First, a bit of background (and a long story short—hopefully). Our birthmom (let’s call her Mary) was 19 years old and had two boys (ages 7 months and 22 months) that she was looking to place. From what I understand, she contacted an adoption finder service, who then contacted a Utah adoption agency. This Utah agency found our profile on ParentProfiles.com and contacted us to see if we were interested. This was all done on a Saturday. For some reason I still don’t understand, Mary already had plane tickets to fly to Utah to place her kids on Tuesday with someone in Utah. We had a telephone conversation with Mary on Sunday and she selected us as the adoptive parents. For the next two days, we ran like crazy and learned a ton, but we brought our boys home the next Wednesday.
When you consider either using another agency for your adoption, you’re entering a foreign world (not that adoption isn’t a foreign world in itself…). This article is designed to (hopefully) provide you with some information and questions to help you quickly assimilate into this world. It is by no means meant to deter or scare you from going in this direction to complete your family. Many people, including me, have beautiful children now because we went this route.
We learned a lot from our journey. Here is a list of things I wished I would have asked or known.
When considering another agency
Some folks have had a great experience with other agencies. Our experience was less than stellar.
-Ask them for references from other people who have worked with them. Don’t be afraid to call and ask these other adoptive couples everything on your mind.
-Send an email around to other FSA folks to see if any of us know anything about the agency.
-Check their website. How professional is it? Does it seem like they know what they are doing?
-Do an internet search for the agency. Do you find anything that makes you uncomfortable?
-Ask how many placements they’ve had, how long they’ve been in business. (I know I wouldn’t want to be their first placement). You may even want to ask how many they have each month/year. This could tell you how experienced they are.
-Ask why they are contacting you about the placement.
-If you feel uncomfortable with the agency but still want to pursue the adoption, ask for their lawyer’s name and number. Call him/her and find out if they’ve had any problems with placements, etc. I’m not sure what he/she will say, but it gives you another person to talk to.
Things to consider with birthmoms
Frequently when working with LDSFS, the birthmother that selects you comes from a very similar background as you. You often share the same religion. When you venture out to other agencies from around the country, the birth mothers may not believe the same as you. Some have a difficult past (and maybe present and future) to deal with.
The birthmothers at LDSFS are also provided with excellent support and adoption education that may not be received at other agencies. As adoptive couples with LDSFS, you have had the opportunity to meet some of the birthmothers that have worked with LDSFS. You should realize that your birthmother might not have the same perspective on adoption as the young ladies on the birthmother panel.
Mary’s life had not been the most positive and most of her family was not supportive and seemed to not really understand all that adoption entails. (This is not to scare you. None of this has even remotely affected our healthy and happy boys). However, these issues made our adoption process and the year or so after very difficult. It also affected our degree of openness, both what we promised and what we ultimately ended up with.
Ask the agency and the birthmother a lot about the birthmother and her family. What kind of help and support will she likely get from the family? How will they help her adjust (or have they helped throughout the pregnancy and/or childhood)? What are her plans after placement?
Does the agency provide counseling? What kind? How much?
How much contact does the agency have with the birthmother after placement?
If you plan on having an OPEN adoption, what kind of contact should you have and how often.
Things to consider with birthfathers
And not all birthmothers have a relationship with the birthfathers. These birthfathers may or may not know they even have kids.
Does the agency have a legal consent document signed from the birthfather? If you end up having to get the consent papers signed, you could pay from $3000-5000.
Do they know where the birthfather lives? We had to have a professional look for ours. (Another $300).
Are there other birthfather issues you should know about (e.g., birthmother is or was married to someone that isn’t the birthfather (he may be considered the legal father)?
Does the birthfather want any contact with the child/children?
Things to consider with the child
When we chose to put our profile on Parent Profiles, we marked several boxes for kids with different races, disabilities, and family situations. We had several calls from different agencies, and each one had a child or children with one of the items from these boxes. Most of our calls were for sibling groups, not infants. I think the reality is that most agencies have adoptive couples who want healthy, white, newborn children.
I say this so you consider very carefully what you’re willing and able to accept. Save yourself the grief of agonizing over the contacts you get.
And Of Course, the Money Issue
Are there other agencies or advertising agencies involved? What are their fees? What is the bottom line now and possibly in the future?
Consider carefully the birthfather issue. (Those costs were so unexpected to us, see above).
Know what you can pay and how you’ll get it (if you don’t have it sitting in the bank waiting….who does?). Also know how long it will take you to get your hands on that money. We had one business day to gather the cash. (I had a plan, but didn’t realize it would take 5 days to get the money into our bank…so there was some panic there). Do your homework now, because you may not have time to do it when the call comes.
Get a Lawyer NOW
Call around to family attorneys and find one you are comfortable with. Ask about their fees. Ask his/her advise for questions and issues I’ve forgotten to talk about here. (To put our mind to rest, we ended up calling a lawyer friend at home for reassurance before we wired the enormous amount of money to this unknown agency). I think it would be nice to have that relationship started before hand. You’re going to need one regardless of which agency you work with.
Another Thing To Consider
Once you decide to work with another agency for a specific child, LDSFS can’t help you much. This was pretty distressing to me… This long relationship I had with my counselor was essentially over. She was supportive, but the case was not an LDSFS case so their resources are not available to you. This was so distressing that I think it is important to point out.
Because of this and other legal issues with the paperwork you give to LDSFS, make copies of every piece of paper you give to LDSFS. You’ll need some of those documents for the other agency…and it is easier to have them available because LDSFS can’t give some of them to you. It would be really handy to have a copy of your background check available quickly, so keep a copy. LDSFS also can’t release your letters of recommendation, so ask your writers to save a copy or send you one to keep in your file. (We had to have ours rewritten overnight).
The Good News
To conclude, I wanted to include a photo of our family, happily sealed at the temple. There is a happy ending to our story and I believe there will be a happy ending to yours also.
….and you’re thinking of using an unknown agency
If you’re preparing to adopt a child, you’ve probably all been in one or both of these situations:
1)You check your email and there is one informing you of a birthmother who is due soon. She is working with an agency you haven’t heard of and they are looking for an adoptive family.
2)You’re working with LDSFS to adopt a child and are encouraged to put your profile on ParentProfiles.com. (Or maybe you’ve already done this).
First, a bit of background (and a long story short—hopefully). Our birthmom (let’s call her Mary) was 19 years old and had two boys (ages 7 months and 22 months) that she was looking to place. From what I understand, she contacted an adoption finder service, who then contacted a Utah adoption agency. This Utah agency found our profile on ParentProfiles.com and contacted us to see if we were interested. This was all done on a Saturday. For some reason I still don’t understand, Mary already had plane tickets to fly to Utah to place her kids on Tuesday with someone in Utah. We had a telephone conversation with Mary on Sunday and she selected us as the adoptive parents. For the next two days, we ran like crazy and learned a ton, but we brought our boys home the next Wednesday.
When you consider either using another agency for your adoption, you’re entering a foreign world (not that adoption isn’t a foreign world in itself…). This article is designed to (hopefully) provide you with some information and questions to help you quickly assimilate into this world. It is by no means meant to deter or scare you from going in this direction to complete your family. Many people, including me, have beautiful children now because we went this route.
We learned a lot from our journey. Here is a list of things I wished I would have asked or known.
When considering another agency
Some folks have had a great experience with other agencies. Our experience was less than stellar.
-Ask them for references from other people who have worked with them. Don’t be afraid to call and ask these other adoptive couples everything on your mind.
-Send an email around to other FSA folks to see if any of us know anything about the agency.
-Check their website. How professional is it? Does it seem like they know what they are doing?
-Do an internet search for the agency. Do you find anything that makes you uncomfortable?
-Ask how many placements they’ve had, how long they’ve been in business. (I know I wouldn’t want to be their first placement). You may even want to ask how many they have each month/year. This could tell you how experienced they are.
-Ask why they are contacting you about the placement.
-If you feel uncomfortable with the agency but still want to pursue the adoption, ask for their lawyer’s name and number. Call him/her and find out if they’ve had any problems with placements, etc. I’m not sure what he/she will say, but it gives you another person to talk to.
Things to consider with birthmoms
Frequently when working with LDSFS, the birthmother that selects you comes from a very similar background as you. You often share the same religion. When you venture out to other agencies from around the country, the birth mothers may not believe the same as you. Some have a difficult past (and maybe present and future) to deal with.
The birthmothers at LDSFS are also provided with excellent support and adoption education that may not be received at other agencies. As adoptive couples with LDSFS, you have had the opportunity to meet some of the birthmothers that have worked with LDSFS. You should realize that your birthmother might not have the same perspective on adoption as the young ladies on the birthmother panel.
Mary’s life had not been the most positive and most of her family was not supportive and seemed to not really understand all that adoption entails. (This is not to scare you. None of this has even remotely affected our healthy and happy boys). However, these issues made our adoption process and the year or so after very difficult. It also affected our degree of openness, both what we promised and what we ultimately ended up with.
Ask the agency and the birthmother a lot about the birthmother and her family. What kind of help and support will she likely get from the family? How will they help her adjust (or have they helped throughout the pregnancy and/or childhood)? What are her plans after placement?
Does the agency provide counseling? What kind? How much?
How much contact does the agency have with the birthmother after placement?
If you plan on having an OPEN adoption, what kind of contact should you have and how often.
Things to consider with birthfathers
And not all birthmothers have a relationship with the birthfathers. These birthfathers may or may not know they even have kids.
Does the agency have a legal consent document signed from the birthfather? If you end up having to get the consent papers signed, you could pay from $3000-5000.
Do they know where the birthfather lives? We had to have a professional look for ours. (Another $300).
Are there other birthfather issues you should know about (e.g., birthmother is or was married to someone that isn’t the birthfather (he may be considered the legal father)?
Does the birthfather want any contact with the child/children?
Things to consider with the child
When we chose to put our profile on Parent Profiles, we marked several boxes for kids with different races, disabilities, and family situations. We had several calls from different agencies, and each one had a child or children with one of the items from these boxes. Most of our calls were for sibling groups, not infants. I think the reality is that most agencies have adoptive couples who want healthy, white, newborn children.
I say this so you consider very carefully what you’re willing and able to accept. Save yourself the grief of agonizing over the contacts you get.
And Of Course, the Money Issue
Are there other agencies or advertising agencies involved? What are their fees? What is the bottom line now and possibly in the future?
Consider carefully the birthfather issue. (Those costs were so unexpected to us, see above).
Know what you can pay and how you’ll get it (if you don’t have it sitting in the bank waiting….who does?). Also know how long it will take you to get your hands on that money. We had one business day to gather the cash. (I had a plan, but didn’t realize it would take 5 days to get the money into our bank…so there was some panic there). Do your homework now, because you may not have time to do it when the call comes.
Get a Lawyer NOW
Call around to family attorneys and find one you are comfortable with. Ask about their fees. Ask his/her advise for questions and issues I’ve forgotten to talk about here. (To put our mind to rest, we ended up calling a lawyer friend at home for reassurance before we wired the enormous amount of money to this unknown agency). I think it would be nice to have that relationship started before hand. You’re going to need one regardless of which agency you work with.
Another Thing To Consider
Once you decide to work with another agency for a specific child, LDSFS can’t help you much. This was pretty distressing to me… This long relationship I had with my counselor was essentially over. She was supportive, but the case was not an LDSFS case so their resources are not available to you. This was so distressing that I think it is important to point out.
Because of this and other legal issues with the paperwork you give to LDSFS, make copies of every piece of paper you give to LDSFS. You’ll need some of those documents for the other agency…and it is easier to have them available because LDSFS can’t give some of them to you. It would be really handy to have a copy of your background check available quickly, so keep a copy. LDSFS also can’t release your letters of recommendation, so ask your writers to save a copy or send you one to keep in your file. (We had to have ours rewritten overnight).
The Good News
To conclude, I wanted to include a photo of our family, happily sealed at the temple. There is a happy ending to our story and I believe there will be a happy ending to yours also.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Open and Closed
We have had the blessing of adopting two children. The same way our children are so unique and different, so are our adoptions. We have a closed adoption with our first child, Bryson and an open adoption with our daughter, Maddie. Both types of adoptions have strengths and challenges, but we wouldn’t change either of them.
When we chose to adopt for the first time, Tyler and I talked a lot about open and closed adoptions and what we wanted for our family. Ultimately we decided that we wanted an open adoption. How open, we weren’t sure of, but we were willing to explore all the possibilities. When we met our Birth mom for the first time we loved her and wanted her to be a part of our lives. We wanted her to know Bryson and for Bryson to know this incredible woman. As we talked, we decided that Tyler and I would send regular letters and pictures and also we wanted to get together and see each other when the time was right for both of us. We talked about 4 or 5 months into the future. Ty and I were really excited to see her again. But, as time went by, we realized that seeing our Birth mom again was not what she really wanted. This was very hard for her and I think that seeing Bryson and us again would open up too many wounds. So, for now, we have a relatively closed adoption. We still send letters and pictures but we have contact thru the agency. I am so very thankful for the pictures that we took at placement with our Birth mom and I have saved the two letters that she has sent us. I know that this information will be vital for Bryson and I know that I can share all of these things with him, but I think that some day he might want to meet her. I think that this is the limitation of a closed adoption. If Bryson ever wants to meet his Birth mom, I want to be able to find her. But, I’m not sure I will be able to.
When we met our second Birth mom and Birthfather, again we wanted them in our lives. We wanted Maddie to know them and for them to see Maddie grow up and see how happy she is. From the beginning we shared quite a bit more information than with our first adoption. We shared addresses, email, and blog sites. Already we knew that this would be more open and we were very excited about this. But, as time when on, we realized again that our Birth mom didn’t want to have as much contact with us. On the other hand, our Birthfather and his family wanted to keep contact and even talked about visiting. I was so excited! Maddie’s Birth grandma has been amazing. She has embraced both of my children. When she sends packages, I know that there will be something for both kids. When she calls, she asks about both kids. I think that this has been very healthy and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know that if Maddie ever has questions about her adoption, her birth family is only a phone call away. Maddie’s birth family has been very respectful of boundaries. We didn’t really set up guidelines, they just happened. We have both been happy and I hope that things can continue as they are.
I hope that as Bryson gets older I can explain all of these things to him. I hope I can explain why Maddie knows her birth family and why we don’t have contact with his. I hope Maddie’s open adoption can stay as it is. We love knowing these wonderful people, but I realize that it may not stay this way forever. I love our children and I cherish the relationships we have built because of adoption.
When we chose to adopt for the first time, Tyler and I talked a lot about open and closed adoptions and what we wanted for our family. Ultimately we decided that we wanted an open adoption. How open, we weren’t sure of, but we were willing to explore all the possibilities. When we met our Birth mom for the first time we loved her and wanted her to be a part of our lives. We wanted her to know Bryson and for Bryson to know this incredible woman. As we talked, we decided that Tyler and I would send regular letters and pictures and also we wanted to get together and see each other when the time was right for both of us. We talked about 4 or 5 months into the future. Ty and I were really excited to see her again. But, as time went by, we realized that seeing our Birth mom again was not what she really wanted. This was very hard for her and I think that seeing Bryson and us again would open up too many wounds. So, for now, we have a relatively closed adoption. We still send letters and pictures but we have contact thru the agency. I am so very thankful for the pictures that we took at placement with our Birth mom and I have saved the two letters that she has sent us. I know that this information will be vital for Bryson and I know that I can share all of these things with him, but I think that some day he might want to meet her. I think that this is the limitation of a closed adoption. If Bryson ever wants to meet his Birth mom, I want to be able to find her. But, I’m not sure I will be able to.
When we met our second Birth mom and Birthfather, again we wanted them in our lives. We wanted Maddie to know them and for them to see Maddie grow up and see how happy she is. From the beginning we shared quite a bit more information than with our first adoption. We shared addresses, email, and blog sites. Already we knew that this would be more open and we were very excited about this. But, as time when on, we realized again that our Birth mom didn’t want to have as much contact with us. On the other hand, our Birthfather and his family wanted to keep contact and even talked about visiting. I was so excited! Maddie’s Birth grandma has been amazing. She has embraced both of my children. When she sends packages, I know that there will be something for both kids. When she calls, she asks about both kids. I think that this has been very healthy and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know that if Maddie ever has questions about her adoption, her birth family is only a phone call away. Maddie’s birth family has been very respectful of boundaries. We didn’t really set up guidelines, they just happened. We have both been happy and I hope that things can continue as they are.
I hope that as Bryson gets older I can explain all of these things to him. I hope I can explain why Maddie knows her birth family and why we don’t have contact with his. I hope Maddie’s open adoption can stay as it is. We love knowing these wonderful people, but I realize that it may not stay this way forever. I love our children and I cherish the relationships we have built because of adoption.
"Couples In Waiting" aren't afraid to get silly!
On the first Monday of every month, our "Couples In Waiting" group gets together for a fun (and sometimes silly) activity. The pictures below are from one of their recent activities. It was a "kitchen utensil spaghetti dinner" where each person had to feed their spouse spaghetti with an outrageous kitchen utensil. These activities really help to pass the waiting time, so if you are interested in participating please contact Rey at superchancis20@hotmail.com. We'll look forward to seeing you there!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
A Sacred Role
I placed my son for adoption 10 ½ months ago and it has been quite a journey, to say the least. Along the way I learned many very valuable lessons and had some extraordinary moments that have been seared into my heart forever.
One of the hardest lessons I learned was that this situation that I found myself in was not about me. (It took me about 6 months to learn this lesson) There was an innocent baby boy that would be brought into the world and it was up to me to decide his fate. The entire experience was focused around this little life - it was his life that would be affected more than anyone else’s.
There are no small decisions when it comes to the life of a child. When I discovered that I was pregnant it was the instant love for that growing baby that filled me with the desire to keep him. Through many challenging moments and as the time moved on, I gained a deeper knowledge about life’s purposes, and why each one of us is here on earth. We are here to endure to the end in following the example of Christ, and earn our right to eternal life in glory with our Father. It was then that the love for my son transformed into a different kind of love, earnest and sincere, with no selfish motivation. At that precise moment this new love drove me to change my views and instead of looking inward I began to look up toward the ultimate example, the Savior.
When I surrendered myself to my Heavenly Father, my prayers received answers; my fear was softened; the burden became a blessing; hope returned and I received the strength to follow through with what I knew would be required of me. Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make and oft times are accompanied with sorrow that can only be quenched through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This was another one of the hard lessons that I had to learn, which is one life’s great challenges - becoming one with the Savior by letting go of pride and letting the Atonement work in all aspects of our lives.
My eyes were opened to a wonderful opportunity to bless the lives of so many people. I realized that I was given a new role as a birthmother that was both sacred and beautiful. My life was now full of purpose. I knew that the road ahead of me was not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination. I had the responsibility to find my child’s eternal family; doing so opened the door for the opportunity to bless a deserving family with the most precious gift of all, a child. This decision that I made, with the help of the Savior, is one that will affect generations. I will forever be grateful to my adoptive couple that is willing to love my child endlessly, just as I do, and give him a future. The joy in their eyes that I saw as I placed this infant in their arms was more than I could bear. My heart did not have a choice; it was filled beyond capacity with love and peace.
Here I stand 10 months down the road and my life still has purpose as a birthmother. Yes, my life has been altered but it has not been lost. To this day I have been blessed with the opportunity to use my experiences on a daily basis to help those around me who are struggling in various aspects of their lives.
One of the hardest lessons I learned was that this situation that I found myself in was not about me. (It took me about 6 months to learn this lesson) There was an innocent baby boy that would be brought into the world and it was up to me to decide his fate. The entire experience was focused around this little life - it was his life that would be affected more than anyone else’s.
There are no small decisions when it comes to the life of a child. When I discovered that I was pregnant it was the instant love for that growing baby that filled me with the desire to keep him. Through many challenging moments and as the time moved on, I gained a deeper knowledge about life’s purposes, and why each one of us is here on earth. We are here to endure to the end in following the example of Christ, and earn our right to eternal life in glory with our Father. It was then that the love for my son transformed into a different kind of love, earnest and sincere, with no selfish motivation. At that precise moment this new love drove me to change my views and instead of looking inward I began to look up toward the ultimate example, the Savior.
When I surrendered myself to my Heavenly Father, my prayers received answers; my fear was softened; the burden became a blessing; hope returned and I received the strength to follow through with what I knew would be required of me. Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make and oft times are accompanied with sorrow that can only be quenched through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This was another one of the hard lessons that I had to learn, which is one life’s great challenges - becoming one with the Savior by letting go of pride and letting the Atonement work in all aspects of our lives.
My eyes were opened to a wonderful opportunity to bless the lives of so many people. I realized that I was given a new role as a birthmother that was both sacred and beautiful. My life was now full of purpose. I knew that the road ahead of me was not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination. I had the responsibility to find my child’s eternal family; doing so opened the door for the opportunity to bless a deserving family with the most precious gift of all, a child. This decision that I made, with the help of the Savior, is one that will affect generations. I will forever be grateful to my adoptive couple that is willing to love my child endlessly, just as I do, and give him a future. The joy in their eyes that I saw as I placed this infant in their arms was more than I could bear. My heart did not have a choice; it was filled beyond capacity with love and peace.
Here I stand 10 months down the road and my life still has purpose as a birthmother. Yes, my life has been altered but it has not been lost. To this day I have been blessed with the opportunity to use my experiences on a daily basis to help those around me who are struggling in various aspects of their lives.
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