FSA Logan Chapter

FSA Playgroup: Fun and Friends for Kids of ALL Ages!

2012-01-28T16:52:00.002-07:00

There's no better way to beat the wintertime blues than our monthly FSA playgroup! (Well, okay--a trip to Hawaii might be just a little more fun--but only barely.) So what's so great about FSA playgroup?

1) It's fun for the kids to get together and play:

2) It's fun for the grown-ups to get together and play:

Just to give you a little background, our Logan FSA Chapter has a playgroup every month, usually the third Friday. Our locations vary--sometimes we just meet at the park or at someone's home, or sometimes we get adventurous and take a road trip to a children's museum or to the lake. We're wild and crazy--who knows what we'll do next? (Note: Check to see if Hawaii is in the budget . . .)

On January 20th, we started the year with a bang with our first playgroup of 2012. We all met at Amie's house for lots of toys, chasing, and screaming (the kids) and a good old-fashioned gab fest and crowd control (the adults). Peanut butter cup cookies were enjoyed by all.

As adoptive parents, we feel it's important for our kiddos to know other children who were either adopted or are familiar with adoption. And, as we are passionate about adoption ourselves, we feel it's important for us to get together with others who love adoption as much as we do--resulting in genuine, life-long friendships. Now, here's where you pay attention: EVERYONE is welcome to join our monthly playgroups, okay? So if you're an adoptive parent, a birth parent, an adoptee, an adoptive-parent-in-waiting, or an otherwise supportive member of the community and all-around good person, please join us for FSA playgroup! Dates and times will be posted from month to month. Hope to see you there! :)

2011-09-05T21:06:00.000-06:00

Hope you can join us for any or all of these events!

Friday, September 9th: Join us for a "Fix the Float" party! We'll be preparing the FSA float for the upcoming parades and also eating root beer floats (with homemade root beer, folks). Meet at 6:30 p.m. at the Jensen home at 339 South 200 West in Hyrum.

Saturday, September 10th: Time to ride in the Peach Days Parade! Meet between 9:30 and 10:00 at the parade lineup in Brigham City.

Sunday, September 11th: Come hear popular speaker Kerstin Daynes, author of Infertility: Help, Hope, and Healing (see details below). This is sure to be an inspiring evening! No child care will be provided; please make arrangements for child care so you can attend this workshop and be strengthened as a couple. Refreshments will be served AND we'll have three book giveaways as door prizes!

2011-07-24T23:47:00.003-06:00

Come join us for FSA Ladies' Night!

When: Tuesday, July 26th, 8:00 p.m.
Where: Becca Louviere's House
122 Hillside Dr. Smithfield (see directions below)

What: Join us for campfire s'mores and girl talk! S'mores will be provided but you're welcome to bring something to share or cook on a campfire. Bring a chair and come prepared to have fun!

Directions:

Once in Smithfield turn east at 600 s. light (skyview)

Go to top of hill, turn north/left at 1000 East

At stop sign 1000 E. turns into hillside drive. Keep going.

My house is a mile(ish) on right side.

National Conference 2011

2011-07-20T14:40:00.003-06:00

2011 Families Supporting Adoption National Conference ‘Rooted in Love’ with special Keynote Speaker: Sister Julie Beck, General Relief Society President

When: Friday, August 12 thru Saturday August 13
Where: Davis Conference Center (1651 North 700 West, Layton, Utah 84041) Registration is $30 by July 15, and $40 until the Conference. Birthmothers are FREE!
For more information: http://www.regonline.com/builder/site/Default.aspx?EventID=966434

Topics will be presented on every adoption related topic you can think of. Whether you’ve adopted or are looking to adopt this is a great opportunity to learn more, make memories and friendships!

2011-05-16T15:07:00.002-06:00

Happy Birth Mother’s Day!

May 6th, 2011 by Kari

During my childhood, a 15-year-old expectant young woman came to stay with our family for a few months to attend support classes and make some very difficult decisions. As I watched someone not much older than myself make grown up choices I realized that creating life is serious business and not something to take lightly or for granted.
On Wednesday I was reminded of that experience as I was invited to report on the Logan Utah LDS Family Services celebration for birth mothers, mothers who have placed babies for adoption, in honor of National Birth Mother’s Day which is tomorrow, May 7th.
The room was filled with expectant mothers, birth mothers, birth grandmothers, adoptive parents, adopted children, volunteers, social services staff . . . and a new fiancé.

Yes, there was a special excitement in the room as one of the birth mothers announced she had just gotten engaged that afternoon to a man she met shortly after placing her baby for adoption ten months ago. The glow on her face as she snuggled under the arm of her fiancé and proudly showed off her new bling told a story that proves there is such a thing as happily ever after.
Just ten months before this special day, this same young woman had tears running down her face and pain in her heart as she held her beautiful new baby boy. Not far away were the adoptive parents she had chosen to parent her son through life. This birth mother had made a difficult choice, but one she knew was right for her and most importantly, right for her baby.
The months following were excruciating and full of questions – If it was the right choice, why does it hurt so much? Will anyone want me after this? What should I do now?
Answers started to come as she continued to attend the weekly support group meetings for single expectant mothers and birth mothers held at LDS Family Services, which she attended faithfully throughout her pregnancy. Being with other girls who were going through what she was helped her to heal and move forward.
As described by Sandy Burborough, Adoption/Birth Mother Manager at the agency, “The support group is a safe place for these girls to meet and express feelings, concerns, explore options and heal.” It is open to single expectant mothers of any age, ethnicity or religious belief and is free of charge.
There are strict rules that are reviewed at the beginning of each meeting to ensure a secure environment:
- No parents, grandparents, friends, boyfriends, spectators or any other visitors allowed.
- No side conversations – anything said must be presented to the whole group.
- No cell phones or other electronic devices.
- Respect for everyone’s feelings, decisions and situations.
- Be honest and real about what’s going on, no pretense or idealizing.
While birth grandparents are not allowed in the girls’ meeting, a support group meeting is available for them at the same time.
There is also counseling available for birth fathers and single expectant couples who are considering marriage.
“We are non-profit and all about helping families succeed here,” says Sandy. “We support the expectant mothers in making their own decision, we do not make it for them.” She says this is one of the biggest myths about their program. “We educate and support them. When they’ve made their decision we help them create the best situation for the choice they’ve made. Our greatest concern is the well-being of the child.”
Sandy explains that whatever decision the mother makes, there are numerous aids at LDS Family Services to assist them:
- If she is marrying the child’s father, there are classes on marriage and counseling available for them.
- If she is placing for adoption, there is counseling and the website itsaboutlove.org which has amazing resources and information on pregnancy, options, adoption, testimonials from real birth mothers, answers to questions for the birth mother, father and grandparents.
- If she is single-parenting, there are parenting classes and counseling about health care, employment and education options.
As I made my way around the party with a tasty plate of chocolate fondue I met another group of people who benefit from LDS Family Services program – adoptive parents.
The struggle a single expectant mother goes through is probably only matched by that of couples who would like to have children and are unable to.
Cache Valley’s chapter of Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) sponsored the celebration for Birth Mother’s Day as they want to show their love and support for the people who help make their family dreams possible, and what better way to do that than with a buffet of delicious things to dip in chocolate? (Kudos on the refreshments FSA.)
I spoke with James and Jenny Lyman, co-chairs of the organization and adoptive parents of a 4-year-old daughter, and Nicole Coppin, Secretary and prospective adoptive mother. They discussed the purposes and functions of the organization which fall under three categories: education, media and activities. They educate prospective adoptive couples, make school presentations, create and distribute resource materials, promote national adoption, and provide annual workshops, conferences and activities for members such as play groups and date nights.
As Jenny gushed about her daughter and the birth mother who placed her baby with them she said, “It’s a wonderful way to build families.”
The trend of open adoptions has changed the face of adoption over the years as birth mothers choose their families to place their babies with and have more interaction with the family and the baby after placement than in times past.
When I asked Birth Mother Committee Chair Courtney Vaughn about her choice to place her baby for adoption she said, “I just had a feeling from the beginning that adoption was right for me. I was only 16 and I knew I couldn’t give this baby all it needed.”
She was referred to the family she placed with through a family friend and reviewed their online profile, then met them. She said she knew they were the family for her baby.
As I watched the close interaction between an adoptive mother, adopted child, birth mother and grandmother I was curious. Coming from a generation where closed adoptions were the norm, I wondered how it worked to have so much interaction in a situation that seemed so sensitive and complicated.
The details of each case are different, depending on personal comfort level and situation of both families. “There are boundary issues sometimes, but we work through them. We are a family,” one adoptive mother said.
“It’s just more people for the child to love and be loved by,” a birth mother expressed.
Between the chocolate, the information, and a very personal peek into an alternate world of families I had been very well fed.
I thank LDS Family Services for the invitation and all those who allowed me learn more about their unique families.
I wish a Happy Birth Mother’s Day to the women who make the ultimate sacrifice in the name of love.
I offer congratulations to the sweet new bride-to-be and the man who looked into her heart and past her past to give her the promise of true love and babies to keep forever this time.

Date Night

2011-04-14T15:15:00.001-06:00

Saturday, April 16th @ 7:00 p.m.
Chad & Teresa Kendrick's home
220 E. Center Street in Millville

We'll be making Fazookie's, socializing & maybe get in a game or two. Please bring cookie dough or an ice cream topping to share.

April Ensign

2011-04-11T16:35:00.001-06:00

If you haven't had a chance to read the April Ensign here is a great link to the article "Faith and Infertility." The Belnap Family, from our local FSA organization, were featured in this article. http://lds.org/ensign/2011/04/faith-and-infertility?lang=eng

2011-03-23T17:13:00.002-06:00

Play Group
Treehouse Museum in Ogden

Friday March 25th
We will be meeting at the Park n Ride in Wellsville at the mouth of the canyon at 11:00, so we can try to car pool with those who have room in their cars. If you can't meet at the Park n Ride just come and meet us down at the museum for a day of fun. Here is the cost info:
$6.00 - 1 - 12 yrs (All visitors 1-17 yrs. must be accompanied by an adult age 18 yrs+)
$5.00 - 13+ yrs (All adults must be accompanied by a child age 1-12 yrs.)

Also, if you go on the Treehouse Museum website there is a place you can get a $1.00 off coupon, that website is: treehousemuseum.org.

2011-03-22T19:51:00.001-06:00

Ladies' Night Out
Wednesday, March 23rd at 7:00
laser tag at the Cache Valley Fun Park and ice cream at Charlie's

Plan on $6 per laser tag game that you want to play and then whatever you want to spend on ice cream

Upcoming events....

2011-03-21T16:39:00.001-06:00

Wednesday March 23rd is Ladies Night Out playing Laser Tag at the fun park.
Friday March 25th is Playgroup at the Children's Museum.

We had a great turnout at the Treats and Training this past Friday night and appreciate all of those that put time and effort into that. This past month we have also had some recent placements. Check the sidebar for the exciting news!

2011-03-08T12:42:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that the online service for ticket sales is up and running for Michael McLean. Go here for more information.
http://celebratingadoption.eventbrite.com/

Playgroup Pictures

2011-02-27T22:27:00.008-07:00

For playgroup this month we had a valentine party. The kids decorated heart shaped cookies with icing and sprinkles.

The kids also played games in the gym and passed out Valentines to all of their friends.

2011-02-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

Treats and Training postponed
It is suppose to snow a lot tomorrow
Friday Febuary 25th's Treats & Training is being rescheduled
to Friday March 18th
Sorry for any inconvenience
We will update you on the details in March

2011-02-23T10:25:00.001-07:00

Treats and Training
Friday, February 25th 2011
6:30 p.m.
North Logan church 2540 N. 400 E. in the relief society room

This is a great opportunity to learn about other agencies
Child care and refreshments will be provided

Date Night

2011-02-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Date night
Friday, February 18th @6:00 p.m.
Tyler and Tiffany Alleman's house
382 N. 750 E. Hyde Park
directions~ Turn east on Hyde Park road ( by the Maverik)
Turn north @ the cemetary ( stop sign)
Turn east on 450 North ( all the way up the hill)
Turn up the last culdesac on the right
It is the 3rd house on the left.
Come visit and play games
Please bring an appetizer or treat to share

February Playgroup

2011-02-06T11:26:00.001-07:00

Come join us for a fun time at playgroup this month.

• Friday, February 11th, 10:00, decorate cookies and trade Valentines (bring 10-15),

• located at the church 2540 N 400 E North Logan

Hope to see you there!

2011-02-02T23:29:00.000-07:00

Long Journey, Wonderful Destination

Dear Abby: A few years ago, you printed an essay titled “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Perl
Kingsley. The subject was having a child with Down Syndrome. Enclosed is an article my
daughter, Diane Armitage, wrote, inspired by “Welcome to Holland.” Her message is directed to
childless couples who are considering adoption. (Diane and her husband are the parents of two
adopted children.) Perhaps you will consider it worth publishing.–Kathryn Relnalda, Blairstown,
NJ
Dear Kathryn: I’m delighted to share what your daughter wrote, and I’m sure many readers will
appreciate its insight:
Different Trips to the Same Place Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You’ve heard it’s a wonderful place, you’ve read many guidebooks and feel certain you’re ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings,
but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you,excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you’ll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait–and wait–and wait.Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, “Relax. You’ll
get on a flight soon.” Other people actually get on the plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, “It’s not fair!” After a long time the ticket agent tells you, “I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat.” “By BOAT!” you say. “Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane.” So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally decide to travel by boat. It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder
if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip. Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many
wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air. People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, “Oh, be glad you didn’t fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy.” You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know
God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

January Playgroup

2011-01-18T16:37:00.000-07:00

We hope you will come join us for Playgroup this month.

Friday, January 21st 11:00 a.m.

Cache Valley Fun Park

255 E. 1770 N. North Logan

Soft Play $3.00

Looking forward to 2011

2011-01-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

We are so excited to get going with our 2011 year with Families Supporting Adoption. We have a dedicated committee that has planned lots of fun activities and other educational events. We hope you will check our calendar and join us for the different activities that will be happening with the Logan Chapter for this upcoming year. If there is anything you would like to share or add onto our blog regarding adoption please e-mail blog@loganfsa.com

Play Group on Friday, August 13th

2010-08-09T11:00:00.001-06:00

Play Group Friday, August 13th @ 11:30 a.m.

Water Swimming Party @ Amy Jones House

119 West 280 North

Providence, Utah

Bring a sack lunch, and dress your kids to get wet and have fun!

Once the Sacrifice, Twice the Blessing.

2010-07-23T12:11:00.002-06:00

Mary Ann Young, “Once the Sacrifice, Twice the Blessing,” Tambuli, Aug 1985, 13

We had been waiting for months to adopt a child. Now we had to decide if we could accept the baby we were being offered.

How could we have had a precious baby offered to us and not have taken him? After so many months of prayers, pleading, and hoping—how?

Yet a beautiful baby boy had come into the world, and we had decided he was not for us.

As we fought to restrain our emotions, we reflected on the experience that began with a strange telephone call in the middle of a January night one month earlier.

It had been a quiet night in the house, but all our nights were quiet. There was no cooing baby in a crib, no colorful baby toys, no diaper container hanging from the bedroom doorknob. Those happy things were found where children were.

The telephone rang late into that memorable evening. James, my husband, answered and was greeted by a vaguely familiar voice, an acquaintance.

“I understand from a mutual friend that you and your wife are interested in adopting a baby,” she queried.

“Yes,” James said, “we are very anxious to adopt a baby.” I sat up, surprised. The conversation continued, and I listened intently to his replies, wishing I could hear the voice on the other end of the line.

When James hung up the receiver, his hand was shaking, his voice nervous and tense. “That was someone I know through a friend at work,” he began. “She says she has a distant unmarried relative who is going to have a baby soon. The girl is young. She’s unemployed and unable to care for the baby when it’s born. Her family can’t help her. She wants to do what’s best for the baby and thinks she should place the child for adoption.”

That night we relived all the hope and excitement we had felt so many times before when we thought we might get a baby.

But weeks went by without word, and our anxious optimism faded. We talked in the evenings about this unborn child coming to our home. We knew the phone call had brought false hope, but we persisted with prayers and fasting.

“There are agencies that handle adoption placement,” James said. “Surely a social worker from an agency will contact her, or she will go to them. That would probably be best for the expectant mother anyway. Agencies with skilled social workers can help to find the best possible home for adopted children.”

He wasn’t saying anything we both didn’t already know. We had been working with a social worker through an adoption agency for months, and we knew that they provided a very necessary service to couples seeking children, and especially to unmarried young girls thinking about placing their babies for adoption.

The waiting took us into the snows and cold of February, and another quiet night. The ringing of the phone at 2:00 a.m. made my heart pound wildly. Startled, I got up and groped in the darkness for the receiver.

“Is James there?” asked a weary female voice.

“Yes, he’s here. He’s asleep, but I’ll wake him.” Whoever this is must need him now, or she wouldn’t call at this hour.

“Hello,” James mumbled, as he answered the phone, then listened. He was answering questions. “Yes, all right. We didn’t think she was still … Yes, I’ll call you back tomorrow.” He dropped the phone on the bed, sleep gone from his eyes. “She’s having the baby. Right now. She’s in labor and will soon deliver. And she’s expecting us to take the baby!”

We both sat silent. Stunned. Someone from somewhere had just called and said we have a baby for you. Right now! James broke the silence. “She didn’t go to an agency, and she didn’t contact a social worker. She told this relative to call us again and tell us that the baby is about to be born and she wants to have it adopted.”

Suddenly, all of the concerns we had both entertained about private adoption, but had never discussed, came flooding into a wee-morning-hour conference. We concluded that in the morning we must talk with our social worker and seek her counsel, backed by thirty years of adoption expertise. We knelt in prayer for the unknown mother in labor, for her peace of mind about the decision she was going to make. We asked our Heavenly Father to bless a baby who was about to be born. We asked him to bless us that we would be guided in our decision concerning the child.

That morning, we sat in council with a very wise, loving woman who had given years in the service of mothers and children. She listened intently to our story of the unexpected phone calls and responded thoughtfully. “I can’t, nor will I even try to make a decision for you,” she said. “I must leave that to your discretion and can only offer you my insight and understanding. I know how anxious you are to have a child, and I also know that agencies often require seemingly unbearable waiting periods for anxious couples. You have a ‘baby in the hand,’ so it seems, and I can promise you nothing. But I must tell you that I would have serious concerns about the fact that James is known by a relative of the baby’s mother.” She paused and thought before she spoke. “Years of experience have taught me that adoptive children generally do better when the identity of the natural parents remains totally anonymous.

“Adoption agencies, as you know, do extensive studies with both child and potential parents to determine which child is best suited for which family,” she continued. “This situation would not allow you that advantage, nor would you know any of the medical history of the child.”

Thoughts, professional views, fears and wisdom were covered in a two-hour exchange.

On the drive home, we were both silent. There was an undeniable tension in the air.

At home, we knelt in prayer, and I knew the answer before James told me what he was feeling. It was not the answer we had begged to receive. This child was not to come to our home. But why? A miracle, it seemed, and we were about to turn it away.

“I know this baby is not meant to come to our home, to be ours,” James said. “I don’t receive that confirmation, that peace of mind that comes with positive answers to prayer. But this mother is expecting me to find a home for the baby. The baby needs a home, a good home, and it needs one today.”

James and I talked at length about what would be best for the child. We made some telephone calls to friends and professionals who could offer the best advice. That evening, James telephoned the woman who had contacted us. He briefly told her why we could not take the child, and he gave her the name of a very experienced social worker who would work closely with the mother. She hung up and made the contact. Two days later, the baby boy, was placed in a special home where he would be loved and well cared for. We knew that somewhere the child was safe, comfortable, and in the arms of parents who desperately wanted a child. Yet we sat on the edge of the bed after receiving the news, wondering, lamenting. But even as we questioned, we knew we had been told by a loving Heavenly Father, with insight and understanding far exceeding our human limitations, that the child was not for us.

The cold winds of March found us home on quiet nights and at work during the day. About 8:00 a.m. on a Monday morning, James awoke singing. I asked him what it was that made Monday so wonderful, when it only meant going back to work after a great weekend. “I don’t know,” he laughed. “I just feel like it’s going to be a good day.”

I left for work at the usual time, and was exceptionally busy when the phone rang at 9:10. “Hello, Mary Ann, this is Carol.” Our social worker! I would have known her voice anywhere.

“Do you think they might let you off work long enough to come and pick up your baby boy?”

Everyone down the hall heard the jubilant exclamation. No one had to ask what the call was about. “A baby boy! That’s fantastic! When? Where? I’ll call James right now. We’re on our way.”

“Don’t hang up yet,” she said. “I need to give you some details and tell you something more about the baby.” I was so excited I could hardly listen, but as her conversation continued, I found it well worth the extra few minutes on the phone.

I contacted James. “Carol just called. You’re a dad! She has a baby boy for us. He’s there right now, waiting for us to pick him up and bring him home.” I was so nervous that I could hardly voice the next sentence.

“Carol told me about the baby just like I’m telling you. You see, that isn’t all, dear. There’s more. This little boy of ours has a brother.”

“What do you mean, a brother?” he asked.

“Twins,” I laughed. “You are the proud father of identical twin boys.”

A frantic drive to the agency, an apprehensive walk up the stairs to the agency’s second floor, and there, lying together in a wooden cradle with room to spare, weighing five pounds each, our beautiful baby boys!

Our twins had been born one day after the baby we had had a chance to adopt was born. On the day we had talked with our social worker, seeking her guidance, our babies were lying in the hospital’s intensive care nursery, weighing four pounds each. It was strict agency policy that prospective adoptive parents never be told about a baby until the infant was released from the hospital and made ready for placement. Carol and the other agency social workers had met and selected us as parents for the twins shortly before they were born, but we couldn’t be told until they were delivered, had gained weight, and could leave the hospital. Our boys were in the hospital, growing and waiting to meet us for seventeen days before we received the agency’s call on that glorious Monday morning.

Carter James and Jefferson Thomas were sealed to us in the temple after a six-month waiting period required by state law. The joy they have brought into our home is beyond my ability to describe. Both James and I feel so intensely that these handsome little straight-haired blonds were intended for us.

Often I look longingly, lovingly, at them and realize that had we not listened to the counsel of our Heavenly Father, they wouldn’t be in our home, and we might have forfeited one of the greatest blessings we have ever received.

The Things People Say

2010-06-11T17:24:00.002-06:00

By: Courtney Frey

Responding to Hurtful Remarks.

It was a perfect day for a stroll through the park, and Michelle was overwhelmed with joy as she pushed her new son, in his brand new Graco stroller, towards the playground. As he cooed and smiled at the bright blue sky above, Michelle couldn't help but repeat to herself over and over, "I'm taking my son to the park!" Truly, a dream she kept close for years as she and Robert waited for a child through their adoption agency.

Michelle tells me, "When things got really rough, with the home visits and the paperwork, I'd just close my eyes and imagine myself at the park with my baby. Then, I could keep on going." Michelle found a spot beneath a tall oak tree near the swing set and carefully lifting her six-month-old son from his stroller, sat him down on the large blanket she'd brought. "It was the most perfect moment, I felt like such a mom!"

She says. Before long another mother with a small baby wandered over to Michelle, leaning down to compliment Michelle's precious son on how well he was sitting up. Michelle replied with a prideful thank you and the other mother sat down with them. Within minutes the conversation turned into a nightmare for Michelle, who had been basking earlier in the pure joy of being at the park with her son. "So, did you deliver here locally?"

The other mother asked. Michelle is caught off guard, "No … did you?"

"Oh yes, the local women's hospital is phenomenal, I recommend it to all my expecting friends. I must tell you, when I first saw you over here I couldn't believe how great you look! I just had to come over and ask what your secret is!" the other mother says while preparing to nurse her infant. As she lifts her baby to her she comments, "Please tell me it's the breastfeeding!" Michelle forces herself to remain calm, but the situation proves to be more than she ever thought she'd be faced with. She nearly whispers, "Our son is adopted."

The other mother pauses. Her infant seeking her out begins to cry. She does not know what to say and it's obvious. She begins nursing, while remaining silent, and then replies without looking at Michelle, "Oh, there's a couple of people at my husbands office who adopted I think."

Michelle quivers at how uncomfortable the moment got so quickly. Suddenly she senses a haughtiness coming from the other mother, as if she's throwing the fact that she gave birth to her baby while Michelle did not. Or perhaps she's imagining it, she's not sure.

Moment's pass and Michelle is almost grateful when another mother steps to them with a child in arm, greeting the woman with Michelle. "Hi Sarah! I'm so glad I ran into you! I couldn't remember when the next Mom and Me play date was, do you know?"

The two other mothers begin talking about the play date and before Michelle can blink, the two leave together with a quick good-bye and one last comment, "I hope the adoption thing goes well!"

As Michelle watches them walk off together she knows what they are whispering about as the other woman turns around to catch another glance at her. She wants to yell, "No - adoptive mothers don't look different."

Like so many others, Michelle couldn't help but feel devastated. She'd been set up to explain herself, her son, and then put out for judgment by others who know nothing about her situation or even what adoption is. For the following days Michelle caught herself coming up with remark after remark of all the things she should have said in response to the comments made to her. She wanted to be prepared for the next time.

Sadly enough, no amount of preparation can ease the pain of a thoughtless remark. So many of us endure comments, glares, and crude remarks from those who assume they know what they are talking about. Too many people think they know what's best for us and have no qualms about letting us know exactly what that is.

What I've discovered, while enduring such comments, over the last twelve years is this: Usually I am the first real glance someone has at what adoption "looks" like. Their previous assumptions, arrived at opinions, and ignorant beliefs about adoption had thus far been created based on horror stories provided to them by the media, or stories passed down through the grapevine, which rarely carry the whole truth of any situation. We are the reality behind what society has cultivated as a mainstream belief in adoption. Our reality does not come near that belief. But how can we expect everyone else to know that? When comments come our way and we find ourselves filling up with anger and the need to respond, we need to remember that we cannot expect others to know what it is like to walk in our shoes, nor can we assume they are as educated on adoption as we are. Think for a moment about how much you knew about adoption before you considered it yourself. Years before you were faced with the journey of learning and understanding adoption and what it meant … what might you have said to someone in adoption?

Some people do say things just to be hurtful. But most simply spit out a quick comment because they are feeling uncomfortable, and they really don't want to say the wrong thing.

So how do we respond?

First, we let go of our need too. Knowing that we cannot change how someone feels about adoption in one or two sentences will free us up from feeling defensive and helpless. Understanding that they are not necessarily attacking us personally or trying to make us feel un-worthy as mothers will allow us the opportunity to really hear what they are saying and have the ability to address the misconceptions they have.

For instance:

Their comment: "You'll probably get pregnant after you adopt. I've heard of that happening a lot."

Your response: "Really? Where have you heard that from?"

Where their comment comes from: They believe adoption is a second choice, which in the majority of cases, it is. Most adopting couples did try to get pregnant before choosing adoption. They hear you are adopting and have a need to console you, to give you hope. A very human reaction. People do it in many circumstances, not just adoption. How many times have you caught yourself consoling someone by saying, "Maybe it's better this way," or, "Don't worry, you can replace it with an even better one." We have a need to "make things better" for people. We often fail and make things worse.

Why responding with a question works: When you respond with a question you are identifying their lack of knowledge. They will realize that they've just said something with little to no value. You're off the hot seat and they'll usually tend to keep quiet after that.

Their comment: "I don't know how you could give up your own baby, I could never do that."

Your response: "Would you believe that a lot of people say that to me?"

Where their comment came from: Birthmothers hear this and are immediately offended because the comment is charged with accusation. We hear, "You obviously didn't love your baby." I've watched the faces of those who have said this to me, and yes, I've been faced with this countless times, and they immediately look away from my eyes, lift their chins, and say it as if the conversation is over. Which, in the beginning, it would be. I would hear this and be devastated. Later on through the years though, I realized that I did not deserve judgment from others in this way and that if they were going to put out the words, I had a right to respond. Another factor is that in the adoption community we know that using the term, "Giving your baby away," is not acceptable. We use terms like, relinquishment, and surrender. When we hear the word, "Give up," we immediately become defensive. But how can others not educated in verse and terms know this?

Why responding with a question works: Again, we are forcing them to look at why they said what they said. By responding, "Would you believe that a lot of people say that to me?" We are turning the tables and basically saying, "Hey, don't say something like that without expecting a response." I've used this theory three times. The first time I did it I was at the orthodontists office getting molds done on my teeth. The doctor had seen my patient chart and had asked me what BreakThrough Inc. was. I told him I worked in adoption outreach. He asked if I was an adoptive mother. I told him no, I am a birthmother. He responded, "I don't how you could give your baby up, must be hard on you." I responded, "Would you believe that a lot of people say that to me?" He asked, "Say what?" I replied, "That they don't know how I could have done it." He shrugged, "I guess it's just beyond a lot of us." I replied, "Would you like to know how then?" He stopped what he was doing, wheeled his chair up beside me, put his hand on my shoulder and replied, "You know … I guess I said that because I felt like I should say something. It made me a little uncomfortable. Honestly, no, I don't really want to know how. What should I have said though, so that I'll know?" I smiled at him, reached up and squeezed his hand and said, "Tell her, "That's interesting, I actually have another patient who is a birthmother too." He looked at me for a moment and then said, "Thanks." Then he proceeded to fill my mouth with an enormous amount of blue paste.

I didn't need to explain why I relinquished to my orthodontist. He is the man who works on my teeth and beyond my monthly visits we have no relationship. It would do no good for me to justify my son's adoption. But, since he asked me what I did for a living and then proceeded to make a comment about me as a birthmother, I had every right to confront it. In doing so I kept my dignity but at the same time taught him the correct response. At every visit now, we have a running joke. I come in and he asks me, "How are you doing Courtney?" and the staff of assistants reply in unison, "How are YOU doing today Dr.?" He's learned to never ask a question without expecting a response.

Responding to hurtful comments from strangers is difficult. The likely-hood of us seeing them again is rare. We may feel more able to come back with a spitfire remark, knowing there are no consequences for what we say. Or, we may be in such shock that a stranger had the guts to say what they did, that we may spend the next few days mulling over what we should have or could have said, but didn't. Many people in adoption say, "I don't care what they say or how they feel, they had no right to tell me that." And that's true, no one has the right to belittle or hurt someone else. But, the truth is, those of us in adoption have a somewhat silent duty to be positive examples. The media will never stop showing the horror stories in exchange for broadcasting a successful adoption on the five o'clock news. It's up to us to begin changing the way adoption is viewed not only by the lives we lead but also by how we respond to and teach others. When a stranger makes a rude comment, remember … you can, by your response, stop that person from making the mistake of saying it to another person down the road. You may also, by how you interact with them, enlighten them just enough so that they realize how very little they really know about adoption, and perhaps that what they do know isn't fully correct.

Responding to hurtful comments from family members and friends is even more difficult. We live with them, love them, share our lives with them, and ultimately have to put up with them no matter what. It is not just the comments made, but also the ways in which they re-act and act around us based on what they believe or how they think. Patricia Johnson's book, "Adoption is a Family Affair!" is a great read for couples bringing a child into the home through adoption. The book is filled with advice not only for adoptive parents on how to help the family adjust, but also contains chapters for family members to read themselves. Kitty Florey's book, "Five Questions," is an amazing novel that I recommend for birthparents and their friends and families. Kitty takes readers through a frightening, yet inspiring tale of crisis pregnancy, family issues, and ultimately the journey of self-truth. Parents of birthmothers who read this book will come away with the peace that they are not alone, and that often times, re-acting based on their fears and expectations for their daughter leaves a trail of disappointment and loss. Friends of birthparents who read this book will hold closer to the bonds established before the pregnancy, and ultimately explore what it means to be supportive yet not feel guilty to continue forward with their lives.

Above all, knowledge and compassion are our best friends in situations that force us to either respond to mindless comments or self-reflect based on how we emotionally responded to a comment. Remember that those not involved in adoption have no real idea of what adoption is. And find it in your heart to be the patient teacher your family may need as they grow into the journey you have chosen.

Click here to link to the article online.

All Things Work Together for Good

2010-06-11T17:18:00.000-06:00

Elder James B. Martino

Of the Seventy

When I was young I looked forward to the spring of the year. As the weather warmed, I was ready for baseball to begin. Like most young boys, I would wish that I could become a great baseball player. I am reminded of a story about a very young boy with similar dreams. With the desire to become the next mighty ballplayer, he decided to go outside and practice. He held the baseball in one hand and the bat in the other, and he threw the ball into the air. With a wish to hit the ball as far as he could, he took a great swing, but the ball fell to the ground without even touching the wood of the bat. Not to be denied, he went at it again. As he was about to throw the ball in the air, his determination grew as the thought of a powerful hit came into his mind. But alas, the results were the same. The ball lay on the ground. But as any good ballplayer knows, you have three strikes before you are out. He concentrated even more, threw the ball in the air, and gave the mightiest swing he had ever attempted. As the ball again fell to the ground, the tears began to swell in his eyes. Then all of a sudden a great smile appeared, and he said, “What a pitcher!”

Each of us will face trials and tests, and as in this simplistic example, it is how we react to those difficulties that will determine our success and happiness. Each of us will face adversity no matter where we are. We are taught in the scriptures that there “must needs be . . . an opposition in all things.” We will each face times of difficulty, and the question is not when we will face them but how we face them.

The Apostle Paul taught an interesting lesson only a few years before the Saints in Rome were to face some of the most violent persecution of any Christian era. Paul reminded the Saints that “all things work together for good to them that love God.” Our Heavenly Father, who loves us completely and perfectly, permits us to have experiences that will allow us to develop the traits and attributes we need to become more and more Christlike. Our trials come in many forms, but each will allow us to become more like the Savior as we learn to recognize the good that comes from each experience. As we understand this doctrine, we gain greater assurance of our Father’s love. We may never know in this life why we face what we do, but we can feel confident that we can grow from the experience.

Now, I realize that it is much easier to look back when a trial is over and see what we have learned from our experience, but the challenge is to gain that eternal perspective while we are going through our tests. To some, our trials may not seem great, but to each of us who are passing through these experiences, the trials are real and require us to humble ourselves before God and learn from Him.

On this Easter Sunday, we remember the life of our Savior. It is He whom we desire to emulate in all of our actions. May I mention five things that we can learn from those last hours of the Savior’s life on earth that can help us to face our own trials.

First, He sought not to do His will but only the will of His Father. He remained committed to His sacred mission even through the trial. As He fell to His face in the Garden of Gethsemane, He asked, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” Sometimes we pass through pain and sorrow that we might grow and be prepared for potential trials in the future. I ask a question to you mothers: “Would you ever do something that would cause pain and bring tears to your children when they have done nothing wrong?” Of course you would! When mothers take young children to the doctor to receive immunizations, almost every child leaves the doctor’s office in tears. Why do you do that? Because you know that a small amount of pain now will protect them from possible pain and suffering in the future. Our Father in Heaven knows the end from the beginning. We need to follow the example of the Savior and trust in Him.

Second, when we are faced with trials, we must learn to not complain or murmur. Nephi, after a great vision of the Savior’s atoning sacrifice, told us: “Wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving kindness and his long-suffering towards the children of men.” We must always attempt to correct the problem and overcome the trial, but instead of asking “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” maybe the question should be “What am I to do? What can I learn from this experience? What am I to change?”

Several years ago while my wife and I were serving in Venezuela, our youngest son left the comfort of his high school to join with us. He did not complain, but it was obvious that he struggled as he went to this country where everything was new to him; but in an amazing turn of events, the experience went from one of trial to a huge blessing in his life. He accomplished this by changing his own attitude and developing a determination to succeed.

Third, when we face our challenges, we must seek greater help from God. Even the Savior of us all found a need to pray “more earnestly” as He was in the Garden of Gethsemane. We can learn to gain great faith if we do this. We must remember that often the answers from our Heavenly Father do not remove the trial from us, but instead He helps strengthen us as we pass through the experience. As He did for the followers of Alma, the Lord can “ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs.” In our trials, let us not become bitter or uncommitted, but let us follow the Savior’s example of becoming more earnest, more sincere, and more faithful.

Fourth, learn to serve and think of others even in our times of trial. Christ was the epitome of service. His life was filled with examples of helping and serving others, and His greatest gift of all was what He did for us. As He said, “For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent.” We must repent and then follow His example of service. When we serve others, we forget our own problems, and by working to relieve the pain or discomfort of others, we strengthen ourselves.

In our last general conference, our beloved prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, stated: “I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.”

Fifth, forgive others and do not seek to pass the blame of our situation to them. Sometimes we like to say, “If they had not done this, then I would not have reacted the way I did.” There is a tendency for the natural man to pass blame to someone else so as not to be accountable for his or her own actions. The Savior looked at those who had nailed Him to the cross and pled with His Father in Heaven to “forgive them; for they know not what they do.” Can we not be more forgiving?

As we pass through the trials of life, let us keep an eternal perspective, let us not complain, let us become even more prayerful, let us serve others, and let us forgive one another. As we do this, “all things [will] work together for good to [us] that love God.” I bear a solemn and certain witness that our Father loves us and He sent His Son to show and pave the way for us. He suffered, He died, and He was resurrected that we might live, and He desires that we “might have joy,” even in our trials of life. I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

How to Survive Mother's Day....

2010-05-07T10:28:00.002-06:00

Perspective on Mother's Day From a Birthmother

A little girl sits in her room as she plays with her dolls. Her mother calls saying “it’s time for supper.” The little girl runs out and says “mom, I can’t come to supper, I’m putting the baby to sleep, can you wait just a few more minutes?” Ever since we were all little girls, that motherly instinct has been in our hearts. The desire to become a wife, and start a family is what every little girl dreams of, and that carries throughout her entire life. However, the situation comes at times where some of us little girls forget the step of becoming a wife, and find ourselves in the crazy situation of strictly being a mother. But even with how crazy that situation might me, that instinct and desire doesn’t leave us. Two years ago, I placed my little girl in the arms of another mother. My heart raced as I let her go and knew it would be the last time I ever felt her warmth. My mind would not stop processing the though of “what are you doing?” but my heart would not let go of the desire to do what was right. I never thought having my heart and mind fight with one another would be such a difficult thing, but it is a feeling that I will never forget.

As I kissed my little angel goodbye and walked out of the room, I could feel the weight of my entire body coming down on me. What did I just do? As the night went on and minutes turned into days, the days into weeks, and the weeks into months, I found myself wondering, how did I make it through? I recognized the pictures my child’s parents give me, and I was grateful for the notes they sent, but it will never be the same. They say time heels everything, but astime goes on, my heart still aches, and my arms still feel empty, will the feeling ever go away? Someday…I hope. I remember sitting in sacrament meeting with my family the first mother’s day after my precious gift was born. As it came
to the end of the meeting and they were handing out the flowers to all the mothers in the ward, my own mom encouraged me to stand up. I looked at her with baffled eyes and said no. She put her arm around me and said “Daughter, even though you may not have your child in your arms, you are still a mother and should be recognized.” Those words have stuck with me ever since. I think as a birth mother your desire to scream out to the world that you have a baby that you love with all of your heart is so strong, but the thoughts of “what will people think, and is it okay to be proud?” pace
through your mind. It is a fine line that I know so many of us are unsure we can cross.

Not a day goes by where my heart doesn’t ache for at least a moment. In those moments of seeing a baby in the grocery store being kissed by their father, or all the many times you walk by a pregnant women who is just glowing with joy, and you can’t help but see if she has a ring on her finger. Is jealousy the right word for this? I am not sure, but there is a torment in your soul that constantly brings you back to the choice that you made. Not the choice of placing your child in the arms of another, but the choice to put yourself in that situation before the timewas right.

It hurts to feel forgotten and I would be lying if I said I have never felt that way. There have been moments where I have felt pushed out and unwanted, and there has been anger in my heart with an unsure feeling of if I still matter. Will my baby girl know of my love for her? Do her parents really want to know who I am? Has their desire to become parents pushed them to forget my heartache? All of these questions have made that line of whether or not I am a mother so much harder to cross. I
am so grateful for the love that my angel’s parents have expressed to me and know in my heart that they do love me, but I am writing this with honesty, to show that these feelings of neglect do exist. It truly makes me wonder if it is okay to be proud of who I am and the adventure I took. But the truth is…

I am a mother. The love of my baby girl will be in my heart always. I may not get to see her precious smile, or hear her incredible laugh, and I cannot feel the warmth of her in my arms, but that does not change the fact that I am a mother. I hold my daughter’s life dear to my heart and will never forget the blessings she gave to me. I know with everything that I am, that her parents are her parents and that she is in the home she belongs, and I do not regret the choice I made in any form or matter, but
that will never change that motherly instinct that I have carried with me my entire life, that will never change the love that I carry for her in my heart. Regardless of the hurt and questions that may go through my heart in mind, there is one question that I will no longer ponder. I am proud to be the women who brought an angel into this world and am honored to have placed her into the arms of
her family, I am proud to be her birthmother and that love will never leave me, and with that love I can full heartedly say that I am a mother and always will be.

-Anonymous

Perspective on Mother's Day From a Mother-in-Waiting

This May marks my 11th Mother’s Day as a married-womanwaiting-to-be-a-mother. And every year I think the same thing: “Maybe next Mother’s Day I’ll be a mother.” Hope springs eternal. And as the years have gone by, I’ve learned a thing or two about waiting. I hope that the experiences and thoughts I share will help those who may be hurting this Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day is a time of mixed emotions for many of us. I dare say most women dread Mother’s Day for one reason or another. To the childless, Mother’s Day is a painful reminder of what we are not. Sacrament meetings are especially hard. We listen to the speakers talk about how wonderful mothers are and how motherhood is the closest experience to Godhood on earth. (So, am I not close to God if I’m not a mother?) We listen to the primary children sing happy songs about walking through meadows of clover and how “Father in Heaven has sent me to you.” (I wonder why children have not been sent to me. Am I not worthy?) We hear the bishopric instruct all of the mothers in the congregation to please stand and receive a flower. (Um, do I stand? I’m sure they meant for me to stand, too. But I feel dumb—and I don’t want people looking at me!)

In a nutshell, sacrament meetings are just plain hard on Mother’s Day. It’s hard for me because becoming a mother is out of my control. The rest of the year I hear talks on many subjects—faith, tithing, temple attendance, scripture study, etc. And from those talks I can go home and say, “I’m going to do better at this. I’m going to go to the temple more. I’m going to study my scriptures more.” But I have no power over becoming a mother—my agency has been frustrated in this matter. Yet, because I have no control, I’ve had to lean on the arm of God, rather than my own strength. And He is in control over everything. I am in His hands—and really, when I think about it, where would I rather be than in God’s hands? I know that Heavenly Father will not only carry us through the difficulties of sacrament meeting and the rest of Mother’s Day, He’ll carry us through all of our trials if we turn to Him. I know this because He has carried me.

So, how do we survive Mother’s Day? We all have different ways of coping, and frankly, some years I do better than others. But for what they’re worth, here are my ten suggestions. Some are serious, some are simple, and some are silly, but all are tactics that have helped me!

• Looking Outside Myself: If I find someone who is hurting worse than I am and try to buoy them up, I am helped. I guarantee there are plenty of people struggling—and not only “mothers in waiting.” We are not alone in our pain. Maybe someone is grieving over a mother who has passed away. Another might be sad over a bad relationship with their mother. There may be a birth mom who is hurting
while remembering her baby and her sacrifice. Others may be grieving the loss of a child to death or miscarriage. Even moms who seem to “have it all together” are likely worried about their children or feel they’re a failure as a mom. As the hymn goes, “In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can’t see.” I’ve found that the times I’ve reached beyond my own pain and tried to comfort someone else are the times when I have been comforted. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, “Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity.” And developing compassion will help us be better mothers when we get our turn!

• Remembering I’m Not Alone: Talking with someone who understands can really help. Talking to friends who are in the same boat, maybe someone from the “Couples in Waiting” group or other friends in FSA, refreshes my spirit. I am not alone!

• Counting My Blessings. When I get discouraged about my childlessness (or about anything else, for that matter), remembering my blessings really helps me. When I start looking at my blessings, my trials shrink in comparison. I also try to appreciate and find joy in the little things every day. Just today I noticed how pretty the mountains are, and how glad I am to have eyes that work and can see pretty
things. There are hundreds of blessings to be thankful for each day, and when I’m feeling thankful, I’m feeling happier.

• Walking Through Wal-Mart: Don’t do this on Sunday, but I find that a walk through Wal-Mart (or another crowded, noisy store) can be refreshing in a weird way. All I have to do is find an aisle where a small child is screaming and throwing a complete fit. Then I just walk on by, blissfully unconcerned. It’s amazing how rosy my life seems to me as I pass that frazzled mother. Granted, I still want to be a
mother, but enjoying the absence of screaming in my life can lift my spirits in the short term!

• Focusing on My Own Mother. I try to make Mother’s Day as fun as possible for my own mother, mother-in-law and grandmothers (Who, by the way, all dislike Mother’s Day because all they can see is their supposed shortcomings—does anyone actually like Mother’s Day?). When I try to think up fun surprises, try to find the perfect card or make a contribution to a nice Mother’s Day dinner, my mind is off of myself and my own troubles and I remember how blessed I am to have such great women in
my life.

• Staying Busy, Busy, Busy! I try to keep really busy on Mother’s Day so I don’t have so much time to think. If the speaker in sacrament meeting starts treading into dangerous waters and I’m having a hard time with what they’re saying, I whip out my scriptures and read instead of listening to the speaker. (Is that bad? Well, it helps anyway.) I just try to keep my mind occupied a lot on Mother’s Day and somewhat detached from potential emotional overload. I throw myself into my calling. I
volunteer for everything I can. I read all of the ward bulletin announcements. I just try to stay really active, busy and somewhat distracted from the subject at hand.

• Choosing Not to Be Offended. We may hear really stupid comments on Mother’s Day (or other days) that can throw us off our groove. For example, I once told a coworker about a present my husband had given me for Mother’s Day, and she responded that he shouldn’t have given me a
present because Mother’s Day presents are only for mothers, and mothers really earn those presents, blah blah blah. That comment really stung at first. But in looking back, that comment wasn’t worth my time or attention. Keeping a sense of humor helps, too. I remember that I took my little cousin swimming once, and out of the blue she asked if I was “barren.” I suddenly saw myself as Sarah of old, all wrinkled and wearing an Old Testament outfit. It was a funny image! Whether or not people intend to hurt us, I tell myself that I’m a princess and those comments are beneath my attention.

• Taking the Dang Flower: Okay, some of you may know already that I have big issues with the Mother’s Day potted plant. That plant really gets under my skin, and I’ve tried to avoid it at all costs. I practically run away from the well-meaning deacon with the flower and last year tried hiding in the primary room (he found me anyway). But you know what? I shouldn’t do that. Sister Ardeth G. Kapp said, “Every year there will be a Mother’s Day, and every year at church a little plant or some other gift may be forced into your clenched fist. But one day you will learn to open your heart, and then, somehow, you will open your hand to receive that gift. Eventually, that gift becomes the symbol of an eternal promise.” So, you know what? This year I’m going to try to do that. I’m going to try to take
the flower, smile graciously and say, “Thank you” to the deacon. I’ll try to think of that flower as a symbol of hope. (Wish me luck.)

• Going to the Temple: The temple is a place of peace for me. It’s a place where I can see the big picture, a place where I am reminded that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. When I’m in the temple, I feel that somehow everything will be made right. It’s nice to remember that.

• Praying for Help: Mother’s Day is just plain hard, and a Pollyanna attitude can only get us so far. Prayer is a huge source of comfort, and Heavenly Father has never let me down. In a song I’m teaching the primary children this year, there’s a line that says, “If I pray for help He will give
me strength.” I love that line, because it’s really true. The Lord will help us through Mother’s Day or any day!

Well, those are my suggestions. I hope they help. And I hope I’ll remember to take my own advice this Mother’s Day. (As fate would have it, I’m the primary chorister and actually have to lead the primary songs in sacrament meeting this year—“meadows of clover” here I come! Oh boy.) But the
Lord will help me. And He’ll help you, too. Just remember that if you’re having a hard time on Mother’s Day, you’re not alone. We can get through Mother’s Day together. And maybe next Mother’s Day I’ll be a mother . . .

-Jennifer Lyman

Let's Not Forget Birthmother's Day

The Saturday before Mother's Day is not a holiday marked on calendars, nor is it one in which hallmark makes a card. It is not a holiday recognized by general society (although it should be) it is Birthmother's Day. Let me provide you with a little background information as to how this day came
about. Birthmother’s Day was actually created by birthmothers; a group of Seattle area birthmothers, in an effort not only to educate, but more importantly, to honor and remember. This group of birthmothers decided to create Birthmother's Day!

I am grateful for Birthmother’s Day. I can’t think of anyone more deserving of a day to be honored and recognized than these amazingly unselfish women. I hope we can all take a few minutes to stop and give thanks for our birth moms on Birthmother’s Day. Say a prayer for them that they may be
given the comfort and strength they need to get through a holiday that is difficult for all involved in adoption. Here are a few gift ideas for you to consider as you stop to pay tribute to the woman who made your dream of being a mom or dad become a reality:

• Write your birth mom a letter telling her how grateful you are for her and the decision she made to place her child. Let her know that you are thinking of her and that she is in your prayers.

• Send her a “Willow Tree” figurine.

• Send her a necklace or a bracelet with the birthstoneof her child in it.

• Send her a picture of her child.

• Make her a scrapbook page containing pictures of her child.

• A Handmade gift is always appreciated and it will mean more because “you” made it especially for her.

• Send her a copy of a story or a poem you think she might enjoy.

-Natalie Glenn

Continue In Patience

2010-05-07T09:39:00.005-06:00

This talk was given by President Dieter F. Utchdorf at the Priesthood meeting of the Spring 2010 General Conference session. It is a great "spiritual boost" for those waiting to adopt. Their is a link at the bottom of the article to print a PDF copy or watch it in video. Enjoy!

The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness.

In the 1960s, a professor at Stanford University began a modest experiment testing the willpower of four-year-old children. He placed before them a large marshmallow and then told them they could eat it right away or, if they waited for 15 minutes, they could have two marshmallows. He then left the children alone and watched what happened behind a two-way mirror. Some of the children ate the marshmallow immediately; some could wait only a few minutes before giving in to temptation. Only 30 percent were able to wait.

It was a mildly interesting experiment, and the professor moved on to other areas of research, for, in his own words, “there are only so many things you can do with kids trying not to eat marshmallows.” But as time went on, he kept track of the children and began to notice an interesting correlation: the children who could not wait struggled later in life and had more behavioral problems, while those who waited tended to be more positive and better motivated, have higher grades and incomes, and have healthier relationships. What started as a simple experiment with children and marshmallows became a landmark study suggesting that the ability to wait—to be patient—was a key character trait that might predict later success in life.

Waiting Can Be Hard

Waiting can be hard. Children know it, and so do adults. We live in a world offering fast food, instant messaging, on-demand movies, and immediate answers to the most trivial or profound questions. We don’t like to wait. Some even feel their blood pressure rise when their line at the grocery store moves slower than those around them.

Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter. Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace. As parents, we know how unwise it would be to indulge our children’s every desire. But children are not the only ones who spoil when showered with immediate gratification. Our Heavenly Father knows what good parents come to understand over time: if children are ever going to mature and reach their potential, they must learn to wait.

Patience Isn’t Merely Waiting

When I was 10 years old, my family became refugees in a new land. I had always been a good student in school—that is, until we arrived in West Germany. There, my educational experience was a significantly different one. The geography we studied in my school was new to me. The history we studied was also very different. Before, I had been learning Russian as a second language; now, it was English. This was hard for me. Indeed, there were moments when I truly believed my tongue simply was not made to speak English. Because so much of the curriculum was new and strange to me, I fell behind. For the first time in my life, I began to wonder if I was simply not smart enough for school. Fortunately I had a teacher who taught me to be patient. He taught me that steady and consistent work—patient persistence—would help me to learn. Over time, difficult subjects became clearer—even English. Slowly I began to see that if I applied myself consistently, I could learn. It didn’t come quickly, but with patience, it did come. From that experience, I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort.

There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well! Impatience, on the other hand, is a symptom of selfishness. It is a trait of the self-absorbed. It arises from the all-too-prevalent condition called “center of the universe” syndrome, which leads people to believe that the world revolves around them and that all others are just supporting cast in the grand theater of mortality in which only they have the starring role. How different this is, my dear brethren, from the standard the Lord has set for us as priesthood holders.

Patience, a Principle of the Priesthood

As priesthood bearers and representatives of the Lord Jesus Christ, we must serve others in a manner consistent with His example. There is a reason that almost every lesson on priesthood leadership at some point arrives at the 121st section of the Doctrine and Covenants. In a few verses, the Lord provides a master course in priesthood leadership. “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.” The character traits and practices described in these verses are the foundation of godly patience and are inseparably connected to effective priesthood and patriarchal service. These attributes will give you strength and wisdom in magnifying your callings, in preaching the gospel, in fellowshipping quorum members, and in giving the most important priesthood service—which is indeed the loving service within the walls of your own homes.

Let us always remember that one of the reasons God has entrusted the priesthood to us is to help prepare us for eternal blessings by refining our natures through the patience which priesthood service requires. As the Lord is patient with us, let us be patient with those we serve. Understand that they, like us, are imperfect. They, like us, make mistakes. They, like us, want others to give them the benefit of the doubt. Never give up on anyone. And that includes not giving up on yourself. I believe that every one of us, at one time or another, can identify with the servant in Christ’s parable who owed money to the king and who pled with the king, saying, “Lord, have patience with me.”

The Lord’s Way and Time

The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel. The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple. The Nephites waited for a sign of Christ’s birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish. Joseph Smith’s trials in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, “How long?” In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait. Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer.

I remember when I was preparing to be trained as a fighter pilot. We spent a great deal of our preliminary military training in physical exercise. I’m still not exactly sure why endless running was considered such an essential preparatory part of becoming a pilot. Nevertheless, we ran and we ran and we ran some more. As I was running I began to notice something that, frankly, troubled me. Time and again I was being passed by men who smoked, drank, and did all manner of things that were contrary to the gospel and, in particular, to the Word of Wisdom. I remember thinking, “Wait a minute! Aren’t I supposed to be able to run and not be weary?” But I was weary, and I was overtaken by people who were definitely not following the Word of Wisdom. I confess, it troubled me at the time. I asked myself, was the promise true or was it not?

The answer didn’t come immediately. But eventually I learned that God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. Years later I could see clear evidence of the temporal blessings that come to those who obey the Word of Wisdom—in addition to the spiritual blessings that come immediately from obedience to any of God’s laws. Looking back, I know for sure that the promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.

Patience Requires Faith

Brigham Young taught that when something came up which he could not comprehend fully, he would pray to the Lord, “Give me patience to wait until I can understand it for myself.”⁵ And then Brigham would continue to pray until he could comprehend it. We must learn that in the Lord’s plan, our understanding comes “line upon line, precept upon precept.” In short, knowledge and understanding come at the price of patience.

Often the deep valleys of our present will be understood only by looking back on them from the mountains of our future experience. Often we can’t see the Lord’s hand in our lives until long after trials have passed. Often the most difficult times of our lives are essential building blocks that form the foundation of our character and pave the way to future opportunity, understanding, and happiness.

Patience, a Fruit of the Spirit

Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels. Patience is truly a fruit of the Spirit.
Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich. Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.” Ultimately, patience means being “firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord” every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so. In the words of John the Revelator, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and . . . faith [in] Jesus.”

Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls.Or, to use another translation of the Greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls.Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. This was true in the time of the Savior. It is true in our time as well, for we are commanded in these latter days to “continue in patience until ye are perfected.”

The Lord Blesses Us for Our Patience

To paraphrase the Psalmist of old, if we wait patiently for the Lord, He will incline unto us. He will hear our cries. He will bring us out of a horrible pit and set our feet upon a solid rock. He will put a new song in our mouths, and we will praise our God. Many around us will see it, and they will trust in the Lord.

My dear brethren, the work of patience boils down to this: keep the commandments; trust in God, our Heavenly Father; serve Him with meekness and Christlike love; exercise faith and hope in the Savior; and never give up. The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness. They will help us to become worthy priesthood bearers and faithful disciples of our Master, Jesus Christ.

It is my prayer that patience will be a defining characteristic of we who hold the priesthood of Almighty God; that we will courageously trust the Lord’s promises and His timing; that we will act toward others with the patience and compassion we seek for ourselves; and that we will continue in patience until we are perfected. In the holy name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Click here to watch on video, or print a copy.

Adoption Books

2010-04-20T09:24:00.023-06:00

As we see our children grow, we will all need to come to the realization that we don’t know everything. And as adoptive parents, we are not born with the innate abilities to be able to tackle every little issue that may arise. That is where we need to outreach and become educated about all facets of adoption. Books can become a vital tool in helping you navigate your adoption.

As an adoptive mother, I have noticed that adoption books generally fall into three categories: 1. Pre-adoption/How to Adopt books (i.e. “Are you ready to adopt” and “How to Adopt”), 2. Children’s adoption books (both fictional and non-fictional) 3. Adult adoption books (or reference type books for adults to go to when an issue arises).

The purpose of this class is not to give you a huge list of adoption books-but to give you the “best of the best” adoption books out there-this way it’s not so overwhelming!

1-Pre-adoption/How to books:

Many of you in this room are probably thinking. “Well, I’m here aren’t I? I must be ready!” And a lot of the time this is the case, however don’t disregard this category too soon-there is a lot of great information in these books. They tend to discuss infertility, and adoption readiness, two important things to overcome before one enters into the adoption world. Another thing I like about these books is that they give a lot of useful advice about what to expect, how to prepare and others options of adoption (i.e. international, private, agency and designated).

2. Children’s Adoption Books:

This one is by far my favorite! I love collecting books for my children, so if I am an “excuse” to buy more it’s even better!

Children love to be read to and love to follow the story with you while you read aloud. Children’s adoption books can make talking about adoption easier for the child and possibly open doors for later discussions about adoption.

Some of the books are not completely adoption related but have a somewhat adoption theme (i.e. Koala Rainbabies, A Mother for Choco, etc). I like these kind of books because it gets kids understanding adoption on different levels and that adoption is more common than they think!

There are a couple of things you will want to look for in a good children’s book:

· Does it relate to your child?

· Is it “too deep” for my child?

· Is it fun to read? (no brainer, right?)

· Are the illustrations eye catching?

· Is it the type of book my child would like?

· Is the message one I want to send to my child?

Children’s book can make the transition into “teenagehood” a lot easier too! By planting seeds in the child that you are very comfortable talking about adoption, they will come to you with questions they have later in life.

Most importantly, have fun! Pick books that you and your child will enjoy for years to come!

3. Adult Adoption/Reference Books

As many of us face the daunting task of raising our children questions will arise, whether your children are adopted or not. Luckily, there have been several adoption books written to help us on our journey.

There are a few books however, that in my opinion, are a MUST in any adoptive family library: The Open Adoption Experience and Raising Adopted Children. We should feel lucky to have such amazing research and tools that Lois Ruskai Melina have given the adoption community. The first time I read The Open Adoption Experience I was surprised to see all the research that has been done of open adoption. It has examples of open adoptions all the way back to the 1970’s. The other thing I want to mention is that even if you are not wanting an open adoption, the book is still a good one to get because no matter what you will be faced with some form of openness through your adoption. It also is great resource for navigating through placement. It goes into great detail into the role you will play in the birthmother’s life before and after placement. I liked it because it was very direct and clear about what should be done (something that is rarely done in the adoption community).

The book is also setup to be easily read and referenced. I particularly liked the chapters on life after the adoption. It details the open adoption year one, year two and so on. The thing I liked the most was that it got me thinking about things to come in our own adoptions and how to solve them!

Raising Adopted Children is also written by Melina. It’s a reference type book that should be any adoptive parent’s “bible.” From answering tough questions, to learning how to understand your birthparent’s-this books covers it all!

There are many other books that are great! Check some out at your local library to make sure you want them for your library or log on to: https://www.utdcfsadopt.org/cgi-bin/adopt/library/main.cgi to rent a book from the lending library-it’s a free service and has almost all the books you could every want. You can check out up to three books at a time and keep them for up to six weeks!

FSA: A Place for Everyone

2010-02-17T16:03:00.006-07:00

Our 2010 Logan FSA Committee Chairpersons:

James and Jenny Lyman - Erin and Brian Thompson

As FSA Co-Chairs this year, James and I wanted to officially welcome you to the Logan Chapter of Families Supporting Adoption and encourage you to join us for a wonderful year! This year, we’ve chosen 2 Nephi 31:20 as our theme:

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: ye shall have eternal life.”

As adoptive families, hopeful adoptive families, birth parents and adoptees, we all could use a healthy dose of hope. In the world of adoption, we all experience highs and lows—and each of us pass through some pretty tough times. That’s why we really want to focus on the Savior this year in all of our activities. Jesus Christ is the great physician, and it is through Him that our broken hearts are mended and healed. It’s our hope that as we continue turning to Christ, our members will feel uplifted and inspired and we can become even more unified in supporting and helping each other. As we see miracle after miracle happen for the good people in our chapter, our testimonies are strengthened that Heavenly Father knows each of us and our circumstances, and He has a plan for us.

We want to invite everyone to participate in FSA this year! There is a place for everyone here, and we want everyone to feel welcome and included and supported. We have a wide variety of activities and events planned, from education workshops to playgroups to “Couples in Waiting” activities. We’re even planning a “fun run” for the community in the fall, to raise awareness about adoption. We have temple sessions scheduled throughout the year, fun “Ladies’ Night” activities, and school presentation opportunities. You can be as involved as you want to be. If you want to just come to an activity or two, great! If you want to serve on the committee, we’ll take you! But know that however involved you choose to be, FSA has a place for you. We all come from different circumstances and our families are all different, but we all a common thread: we believe in adoption and we promote adoption as a healthy, viable way of building eternal families.

Come and be part of us. We need you and want to get to know you better. Come and feel the strength that comes from being together and working together for a common goal. We look forward to serving you as FSA Co-Chairs this year!

James and Jenny Lyman

What is the FSA Logan Chapter all about?

2010-02-17T12:00:00.001-07:00

Families Supporting Adoption (FSA), an organization sponsored by LDS Family Services, seeks to promote a positive view of adoption . . . the organization focuses its efforts on three main areas: outreach, media, and education and support. Sometimes people get confused about who we are, so let us clarify. We’re a volunteer organization that’s sponsored by LDSFS. We work apart but together.

As a committee, we plan many events and activities throughout the year, including educational workshops, education classes for new adoptive applicants, fun activities, playgroups, ladies’ nights out—a whole variety of things! We have something for everyone.

Sometimes, people get the idea that FSA is some sort of “support group” where we get together and cry and talk about our feelings. That’s not how we are at all! We’re a group of friends who all have adoption in common, and we get together and have fun and do what we can to promote a positive view of adoption.

FSA: A Story of Friendship and Support

Support groups are for people that have problems. At the very least, they are for people struggling to cope with issues in their lives. That’s how I pictured Families Supporting Adoption (FSA). I certainly don’t feel as if my family is a problem. I’m quite proud of the fact that our children came to us through the miracle of adoption. Our family is very stable, we wouldn’t become dysfunctional due to a lack of participation in FSA. So why am I involved in FSA? I volunteer for three very compelling reasons: myself, my family, and my community.

FSA for Myself:

I was at our weekly ward playgroup and, as it always does with a group of new moms, the conversation turned to pregnancy, labor/delivery, and breastfeeding. It doesn’t bother me when these topics are brought up, I just can’t participate. I don’t have stretch marks (at least none that are childbirth related), I’ve never craved a chocolate covered pickle at 2:30 in the morning, and I’ve never experienced morning sickness. I don’t regret not having those experiences. I wouldn’t change my family for the world. It’s just that when your days are filled with diaper changes and Sesame Street, it’s nice to be able to talk to other adults about things that matter to you. All too often, I ended up listening to conversations that I couldn’t relate to. Although I value the friendships I’ve made in my ward and I have many things in common with these wonderful sisters, I felt a small void in my life because I wasn’t able to connect with them on a part of my life that was so important to me: adoption. They would never be able to fully understand my experience as a mother. I wanted a place where I could associate with other adoptive families and share each other’s experiences. It is through FSA that I’ve been given that opportunity and I cherish the friends I have within FSA. I still go to my ward’s playgroup, but in addition to many other activities, I now have an FSA playgroup to attend. Not only do we talk about potty training, where to find the best deals on children’s shoes, and the cute things our kids do, we also exchange gift ideas for Birth Mother’s Day, share in the joys of a placement, and discuss the roles birth families play in our lives far beyond placement. As human beings, we inherently want to connect with others and be understood. It is through FSA that I have found those individuals that fully understand the most precious part of me: motherhood and the blessing of adoption.

FSA for My Family:

My children are still very young. They know their adoption stories but do not understand the concept of adoption yet. For them, FSA is carnivals, swimming parties, parades, and all sorts of fun activities with lots of fun kids. My oldest has just begun understanding that not all kids are adopted, and in fact, most are not. FSA normalizes adoption for him. He likes knowing that his friends Jayce, Gina, and Simon are all adopted--just like him. Since our family is multi-cultural, FSA also gives my children a chance to see other families that look just like ours. FSA promotes a healthy view of adoption and thus strengthens my children’s views of themselves. As they grow, my hope is that the friendships my children have cultivated through FSA will give them the security of knowing they are not alone--that there are other children that are just like them. FSA has given me many learning opportunities that have made me a better parent and has strengthen our family. The activities give us valuable family time that in today’s busy world, seems to be vanishing.

FSA for My Community:

Over 6 years ago, Patsy was sitting through a 5th Sunday discussion on LDS Family Services. As she sat there, she thought to herself that the information being presented would never affect her family. Two weeks later, she received a phone call from her daughter who was away at college. She was pregnant, scared, and didn’t know what she was going to do. Because someone had taken the time to present the discussion on LDS Family Services, one of our birth moms was guided toward adoption. We may never know how profoundly our actions will affect others. Maybe a girl struggling with an unexpected pregnancy will be tossed a Frisbee at the 4th of July parade or maybe your path might cross with a couple experiencing the sorrow of infertility. Heavenly Father is there ready to guide his children, we need to be there to step-up and do the work. There are countless people I will never know that played a part in creating my family. I am truly grateful to those people. Although we feel our family is complete, we feel our service to FSA is still very important. Every volunteer hour I spend with FSA is helping others experience the joy that adoption has brought into our lives. Whether you participate a little or a lot, it is time well spent. --Kim Freeman

I’d just like to invite you to join us. Come see what we’re about!

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf on Hope

2010-02-17T09:00:00.003-07:00

This is the video that was shown by LDS Family Service at the Banana Split Social.

Ice Cream Social - Friday, January 29th

2010-01-28T22:22:00.005-07:00

LDS Family Services sponsored a great evening of information for families in all stages of adoption. It was great to be "strengthened by numbers," with all who attended. And the banana splits weren't bad either! Thanks to all those who planned and participated, and hope to see you at our next social event.

Identity Issues in Adoption

2010-01-28T21:59:00.003-07:00

NEW YORK, Nov. 9, 2009 – The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute today released a major study on identity formation for adopted persons, a groundbreaking work that provides significant new information and insights that can be used to improve laws, policies and practices – as well as public understanding – on a range of issues relating to adoption, particularly across racial lines.

To read the complete article click here:

www.adoption-works.com/widows/groundbreakingresearch09.pdf

Halloween Play Group

2009-11-03T13:27:00.002-07:00

Our FSA Halloween play group was so much fun. The little ones painted pumpkins, played games, and of course, ate donuts! The costumes were adorable just like our kids.

Playing "I have a little ghost and he won't scare you..." and pumpkin bowling!

Cute costumes, cuter kids

Foster - Adopt

2009-11-03T13:04:00.001-07:00

By: Tene Olsen

First of all my opinion and experience with adoption is this: If where ever you start the adoption process and the opportunities are not coming after waiting for a reasonable time maybe the Lord is telling you that your child is somewhere else. We started with LDS Family Services and waited almost two years. Expanded our search. Found our first child in Michigan and the other two were to come from the state of Utah through foster care. You have to know that you keep the Holy Ghost with you in all decisions. We believe that adoption is one of Heavenly Fathers very intricate plans.

The experience of adoption through foster care has been really great for us.

Foster care goals are:

1. Reunification with parents. It is always first in foster care.

2. Adoption, if reunification goals were not met.

My opinion: if the child or children were reunified with parents then they were not meant to be in my family or they may come to me at a later date.

Here is more information:

It is not as heart breaking as you think

Those who do foster/adopt are placed with children from birth to five years old.

The main goal of foster/adopt is that children are placed with you in the hopes if the reunification is not met then they stay in your home. They do not want children moved around.

It is a professional, family, serving and growing atmosphere.

You get to choose what age, gender, and circumstance of child that comes into your home.

You get to ask and receive information on the child and birth parents before you bring them in. Remembering that everything stays confidential.

Adopting through foster care brought low stress with finances as we were given monthly payments for the needs of the child.

The classes on parenting each child type were very valuable.

It is the best experience to be a child’s advocate.

The Home study and back ground check are part of licensing.

They have a network of professionals and foster parents that you meet with each month or can call.

Seeing a child returned to their family can be hard but also extremely rewarding in knowing the work you have done to rebuild a family unit.

The reward in adopting a child that you have advocated for during many months is overwhelming. You have love for the birth parent because you have seen their struggles and have a deeper appreciation of who they are and their choices. Now you get to continue on that parent role that they could not do for whatever reason.

If you need it, the D.C.F.S. pays for the attorney fees to adopt.

Not all times are perfect during foster/adopt. So if you keep that in mind and a positive attitude this will be a memorable experience.

Here is what our first experience was like:

To do foster care we went through licensing/training so that we could do foster/adopt.

The first experience we accepted was bringing in a little girl that was six months old. This was hard to do after a while because I knew that we were to have a boy join our family. She stayed six months and then was returned to her family. She was returned to a not so good situation.

The next child we received was a seven-month old boy. We fell in love with him. It was a shelter situation and could move into full foster care while reunification was going on. It did not. He was returned within a week to his biological father who did not have anything to do with why he was removed from his home. I was really happy for this little guy even though I wanted to keep him; he wasn’t supposed to be in our family. We accepted another baby boy for about a month and he was also placed with his biological father.

The next call came for a little boy. (You can obviously tell that I now told them that I only wanted boys and was on the right track) This little guy was our son Elias. He was 18 months old, short, chubby and stand-offish. The caseworker brought pretzels for us to give him so that he would warm up to us. Thank goodness for caseworkers who know how to help! It didn’t take long and we were traveling back from Ogden with him.

We had weekly visits in Ogden with his brothers and family members who would come. After the hearing I was not able to go to, the caseworker called me and asked “So what date do you want to set up for Elias adoption?” Excitement, tears. You can’t describe the joy I had for myself and our family and the sadness I had for his birth mom. In this family unit of siblings to Elias he had three sisters placed with biological fathers and two brothers placed with another couple. This is why they try to keep families together. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it shouldn’t be hard to realize the importance of families and the repentance process that allows a child’s parents to receive them back into their family. As always, Heavenly Father takes a bad situation and makes it better. If going back to the family is not ruled by the judge as safe, then they get to go to your family to be nurtured.

After adopting Elias, we received a call for a little girl. We visited her and knew she was to come into our home. She was to come within a week but things changed and she went to her Aunts home. We were called again and asked to take a boy and girl. We were all ready to take them but felt that overwhelming feeling that they were not to come to our home. The little girl that went to her Aunts was placed into our home months later. She was 20 months old. She is our daughter Mette.

International Adoption

2009-10-12T15:34:00.002-06:00

CHINESE ADOPTION by Stephanie Kendrick

We started our Chinese adoption journey in April of 2005 after wanting desperately to have a little sister for our youngest daughter, Meghan, who was 3 years old at that time. Our other two daughters, Randi and Kailey, were 13 and 11 when we began the adoption process.

On April 18th, 2005 we mailed the application to our adoption agency and on March 19, 2007, almost two years later, we were in China adopting our little Halle Liangli who was not quite 3 years old.

The process to adopt from China takes quite a while longer than when we adopted Halle. The timeline is currently like this:

-Application: 5 working days.

-Dossier: Approximately 5 months. This is a collection of documents that report on all aspects of your life and represents you as adoptive parents. It takes a few months to gather all the required information.

-Dossier Review: 9-11 working days.

-Wait to Match: Approximately 40 months. The China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA) is the government agency in Beijing that matches all adoptive parents with Chinese children. The CCAA reviews your Dossier and matches you with a child according to your qualifications and the preferences you have stated in your paperwork.

-Match to Travel: 5-8 weeks. After you receive your child’s photos and translated physical examination report from your adoption agency, you have a few days to sign and return your Child’s Acceptance letter. After accepting your child, you will be put into a travel group and invited by the CCAA five to eight weeks later to travel to China to complete your adoption.

-Travel: 14-16 days. You will be in China fourteen to sixteen days to complete the whole adoption process.

The current costs to adopt through the agency we used are $19,400 to $21,900. This includes travel expenses for two adults but does not include your home studies or post adoption costs.

We went through the adoption agency Chinese Children Adoption International and they were nothing less than FABULOUS!!! I would highly recommend them to anyone having the desire to adopt from China. They are honest, up front about all the risks, and there for you every step of the way including your travel to China.

You can view their website at www.chinesechildren.org or contact them at 303-850-9998. You can also contact me at 435-770-2804.

Good luck on your adoption decisions and remember: “There is an invisible red thread that connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break."

INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION

by Kim Freeman

Before you begin.

I highly recommend that you take a realistic assessment of you ability to handle a wide range of possible situations. Do you feel equipped at handling certain medical conditions? How would you handle Reactive Attachment Disorder? How would you feel about having little or no information about your child’s birth or life before coming the orphanage? Is adopting an older child a good option for your family? How long are you able to travel to a foreign country? Do you embrace other cultures and countries? How does your extended family feel about other races and ethnicities?

If you feel that International adoption is the right answer for your family after prayerful consideration, the next step is to determine which country is the best fit for your family. Countries vary greatly on the length of time an adoption takes, fees paid, which couple are eligible to adopt, etc. You can find help deciding on a country by contacting the yahoo group, LDSIntAdopt. The database contains valuable information about different countries and agencies used by the members. Once you select the country you would like to adopt from, you need to find a reputable agency that works in that country with a reputable orphanage. Ask questions. Make sure you are comfortable with the process, the agency and the orphanage. Ask the agency about possible costs not already disclosed. Educate yourself. Read about adopting an older child. There are many wonderful books on international adoption.

After you select a country, agency, orphanage…be prepared for the timeline to not go as expected. There are a lot of steps in the legal process of adopting internationally. At any point, the process could stall. Be optimistic but realize that it might take longer to get your child home than what you expected. The waiting process can be difficult but rewarding. Use your time wisely by preparing your other children for the arrival of their new sibling or by learning more about the culture of your child’s birth country.

Finally the long awaited day comes and your child comes home. It is a wonderful moment. After your child arrives, give your family plenty of time to get to know each other and adjust to a different family dynamic. Your new addition is going through a major life transition. Give them lots of time, love and understanding. Don’t forget the other family members, your lives are all changing dramatically. Don’t plan big family gatherings or large welcome home parties. Time for your little family to bond and get to know each other is the most important thing right now. There will be plenty of time for large celebrations later.

At times, International adoption can be frustrating and down right heartbreaking. But the end results are well worth the emotional rollercoaster. All moms would go to the ends of the earth for their children. Internationally Adoptive Moms just do it literally.

PRIVATE RUSSIAN ADOPTION

by Kay Giblette, Robin Miller’s mom

She would be happy to answer any other questions or give more details regarding her adoption experience. Ask Robin for her email address if interested.

My Husband and I are the happy parents of 6 biological children and two Russian princesses. Julia,14, joined our family 5 1/2 years ago at the age of 8. Karina joined us 2 1/2 years ago just before her 5th birthday.

We were initially working with an agency who said that they could take us to the region we desired and then backed out on that after two months into the process. We were then able to sign a contract with an independent lawyer who took us on as a special case both because of our age (I was 49 when we began and my husband was 52) and our desire to go to a certain region.

Going independently required doing most of the paperwork ourselves, and in Russia there is more documentation required than almost anywhere else. With Karina we were put off for a whole year after our first visit and then given two weeks to redo all the paper work, which had expired, and then two more weeks to make all arrangements to travel.

We traveled twice for Julia and three times for Karina, spending nearly two months in the country combined. Looking back, this has been invaluable because we became acquainted with the Russian people and their culture, thus understanding our daughter’s personalities, behaviors and culture better.

We also had to arrange for our own visas and travel arrangements as well as those of our lawyer who met us in Russia and was our translator, facilitator, cultural advisor and legal representative. I tend to be a very calm person and felt as though I was on an emotional roller coaster much of the time. We were thwarted at many points in the process. Steeling ourselves and pressing forward in faith, we saw may miracles clear the way for us.

Our social worker was hesitant to support us in adopting a child as old as eight. She said that too many agencies do not hesitate OK'ing the process for older children because the dollar is the bottom line for them. Too many of these children end up being wards of the state because the parents couldn't handle the adjustments and time and patience involved in helping these precious children normalize. We would recommend that people who adopt older children have previous experience with children all the way through adolescence, and have positive experience with difficult relationships.

Our daughters are delightful and loving and very happy. They are ours and we could not think of them otherwise, but they do have issues, most of which arise from lack of trust in systems and others around them. There are also cultural personality traits that tend to be inherent to the Russian people themselves.

We have felt since the day we first met these beautiful girls that they were our daughters. Even so it has taken time and the ups and downs of life together to ingrain their character and personality and new features into our heads and hearts. Not too long ago I mentioned something about Julia in a visit with friends that indicated that she had been with us since birth. Julia got a funny look on her face and then looked at me and said something about not being here that long and for a moment I was confused. I quickly caught my mistake and said, "Oh, yea, I forget". She kind of liked it, but at the same time she is proud of being both adopted and from Russia. Her aunt is from Ukraine, her older sister recently adopted a little baby girl and her new sister-in-law, whom she admires, was adopted by her relatives when she was a toddler.

Our youngest biological child, who was thirteen when Julia joined our family, thought he wouldn't have any problems adjusting......but he did. He was kind of jealous for a while and Julia was a bit jealous of sharing attention with him; but after a year they settled into normal sibling, cat-and-mouse rivalry with unspoken affection which has increased over the years. The same dynamics repeated themselves with Julia and Karina two years ago when Karina joined our family.

With Karina we have come to appreciate how much development occurs in a stable, well loved child during the first few years of life. While Julia had grown up in a dysfunctional family, she had been loved and only had 1 1/2 years in a state institution. Karina was abandoned early by her birth mother and was institutionalized as a baby. She knew love and affection but otherwise had no training, harsh discipline, no language skills, and was not potty trained. In addition, she had been ill often and had urinary tract and dental problems and a skin condition. The skin condition took two years to clear up and she has had surgery for her urinary tract problems and several visits to the dentist. These circumstances are minor and fairly normal for these children, but can be very taxing for the adopting family. Our family's love and support has been invaluable.

For us, adoption has been a spiritual, poignant, stretching and rewarding journey... an amazing adventure. Even in the beginnings of the process, we found we were stimulated to see ourselves and our traditions in ways that brought about almost immediate improvement in all of our relationships. We cannot begin to enumerate the ways love and joy have increased in our lives as we have worked to bring these two fantastic daughters into our family circle.

Using another agency?

2009-08-28T00:49:00.000-06:00

So, You Want to Adopt a Child
….and you’re thinking of using an unknown agency

If you’re preparing to adopt a child, you’ve probably all been in one or both of these situations:

1)You check your email and there is one informing you of a birthmother who is due soon. She is working with an agency you haven’t heard of and they are looking for an adoptive family.

2)You’re working with LDSFS to adopt a child and are encouraged to put your profile on ParentProfiles.com. (Or maybe you’ve already done this).

First, a bit of background (and a long story short—hopefully). Our birthmom (let’s call her Mary) was 19 years old and had two boys (ages 7 months and 22 months) that she was looking to place. From what I understand, she contacted an adoption finder service, who then contacted a Utah adoption agency. This Utah agency found our profile on ParentProfiles.com and contacted us to see if we were interested. This was all done on a Saturday. For some reason I still don’t understand, Mary already had plane tickets to fly to Utah to place her kids on Tuesday with someone in Utah. We had a telephone conversation with Mary on Sunday and she selected us as the adoptive parents. For the next two days, we ran like crazy and learned a ton, but we brought our boys home the next Wednesday.

When you consider either using another agency for your adoption, you’re entering a foreign world (not that adoption isn’t a foreign world in itself…). This article is designed to (hopefully) provide you with some information and questions to help you quickly assimilate into this world. It is by no means meant to deter or scare you from going in this direction to complete your family. Many people, including me, have beautiful children now because we went this route.

We learned a lot from our journey. Here is a list of things I wished I would have asked or known.

When considering another agency

Some folks have had a great experience with other agencies. Our experience was less than stellar.

-Ask them for references from other people who have worked with them. Don’t be afraid to call and ask these other adoptive couples everything on your mind.
-Send an email around to other FSA folks to see if any of us know anything about the agency.
-Check their website. How professional is it? Does it seem like they know what they are doing?
-Do an internet search for the agency. Do you find anything that makes you uncomfortable?
-Ask how many placements they’ve had, how long they’ve been in business. (I know I wouldn’t want to be their first placement). You may even want to ask how many they have each month/year. This could tell you how experienced they are.
-Ask why they are contacting you about the placement.
-If you feel uncomfortable with the agency but still want to pursue the adoption, ask for their lawyer’s name and number. Call him/her and find out if they’ve had any problems with placements, etc. I’m not sure what he/she will say, but it gives you another person to talk to.

Things to consider with birthmoms

Frequently when working with LDSFS, the birthmother that selects you comes from a very similar background as you. You often share the same religion. When you venture out to other agencies from around the country, the birth mothers may not believe the same as you. Some have a difficult past (and maybe present and future) to deal with.

The birthmothers at LDSFS are also provided with excellent support and adoption education that may not be received at other agencies. As adoptive couples with LDSFS, you have had the opportunity to meet some of the birthmothers that have worked with LDSFS. You should realize that your birthmother might not have the same perspective on adoption as the young ladies on the birthmother panel.

Mary’s life had not been the most positive and most of her family was not supportive and seemed to not really understand all that adoption entails. (This is not to scare you. None of this has even remotely affected our healthy and happy boys). However, these issues made our adoption process and the year or so after very difficult. It also affected our degree of openness, both what we promised and what we ultimately ended up with.

Ask the agency and the birthmother a lot about the birthmother and her family. What kind of help and support will she likely get from the family? How will they help her adjust (or have they helped throughout the pregnancy and/or childhood)? What are her plans after placement?

Does the agency provide counseling? What kind? How much?

How much contact does the agency have with the birthmother after placement?

If you plan on having an OPEN adoption, what kind of contact should you have and how often.

Things to consider with birthfathers

And not all birthmothers have a relationship with the birthfathers. These birthfathers may or may not know they even have kids.

Does the agency have a legal consent document signed from the birthfather? If you end up having to get the consent papers signed, you could pay from $3000-5000.

Do they know where the birthfather lives? We had to have a professional look for ours. (Another $300).

Are there other birthfather issues you should know about (e.g., birthmother is or was married to someone that isn’t the birthfather (he may be considered the legal father)?

Does the birthfather want any contact with the child/children?

Things to consider with the child

When we chose to put our profile on Parent Profiles, we marked several boxes for kids with different races, disabilities, and family situations. We had several calls from different agencies, and each one had a child or children with one of the items from these boxes. Most of our calls were for sibling groups, not infants. I think the reality is that most agencies have adoptive couples who want healthy, white, newborn children.

I say this so you consider very carefully what you’re willing and able to accept. Save yourself the grief of agonizing over the contacts you get.

And Of Course, the Money Issue

Are there other agencies or advertising agencies involved? What are their fees? What is the bottom line now and possibly in the future?

Consider carefully the birthfather issue. (Those costs were so unexpected to us, see above).

Know what you can pay and how you’ll get it (if you don’t have it sitting in the bank waiting….who does?). Also know how long it will take you to get your hands on that money. We had one business day to gather the cash. (I had a plan, but didn’t realize it would take 5 days to get the money into our bank…so there was some panic there). Do your homework now, because you may not have time to do it when the call comes.

Get a Lawyer NOW

Call around to family attorneys and find one you are comfortable with. Ask about their fees. Ask his/her advise for questions and issues I’ve forgotten to talk about here. (To put our mind to rest, we ended up calling a lawyer friend at home for reassurance before we wired the enormous amount of money to this unknown agency). I think it would be nice to have that relationship started before hand. You’re going to need one regardless of which agency you work with.

Another Thing To Consider

Once you decide to work with another agency for a specific child, LDSFS can’t help you much. This was pretty distressing to me… This long relationship I had with my counselor was essentially over. She was supportive, but the case was not an LDSFS case so their resources are not available to you. This was so distressing that I think it is important to point out.

Because of this and other legal issues with the paperwork you give to LDSFS, make copies of every piece of paper you give to LDSFS. You’ll need some of those documents for the other agency…and it is easier to have them available because LDSFS can’t give some of them to you. It would be really handy to have a copy of your background check available quickly, so keep a copy. LDSFS also can’t release your letters of recommendation, so ask your writers to save a copy or send you one to keep in your file. (We had to have ours rewritten overnight).

The Good News

To conclude, I wanted to include a photo of our family, happily sealed at the temple. There is a happy ending to our story and I believe there will be a happy ending to yours also.

Open and Closed

2009-06-29T23:17:00.002-06:00

We have had the blessing of adopting two children. The same way our children are so unique and different, so are our adoptions. We have a closed adoption with our first child, Bryson and an open adoption with our daughter, Maddie. Both types of adoptions have strengths and challenges, but we wouldn’t change either of them. When we chose to adopt for the first time, Tyler and I talked a lot about open and closed adoptions and what we wanted for our family. Ultimately we decided that we wanted an open adoption. How open, we weren’t sure of, but we were willing to explore all the possibilities. When we met our Birth mom for the first time we loved her and wanted her to be a part of our lives. We wanted her to know Bryson and for Bryson to know this incredible woman. As we talked, we decided that Tyler and I would send regular letters and pictures and also we wanted to get together and see each other when the time was right for both of us. We talked about 4 or 5 months into the future. Ty and I were really excited to see her again. But, as time went by, we realized that seeing our Birth mom again was not what she really wanted. This was very hard for her and I think that seeing Bryson and us again would open up too many wounds. So, for now, we have a relatively closed adoption. We still send letters and pictures but we have contact thru the agency. I am so very thankful for the pictures that we took at placement with our Birth mom and I have saved the two letters that she has sent us. I know that this information will be vital for Bryson and I know that I can share all of these things with him, but I think that some day he might want to meet her. I think that this is the limitation of a closed adoption. If Bryson ever wants to meet his Birth mom, I want to be able to find her. But, I’m not sure I will be able to. When we met our second Birth mom and Birthfather, again we wanted them in our lives. We wanted Maddie to know them and for them to see Maddie grow up and see how happy she is. From the beginning we shared quite a bit more information than with our first adoption. We shared addresses, email, and blog sites. Already we knew that this would be more open and we were very excited about this. But, as time when on, we realized again that our Birth mom didn’t want to have as much contact with us. On the other hand, our Birthfather and his family wanted to keep contact and even talked about visiting. I was so excited! Maddie’s Birth grandma has been amazing. She has embraced both of my children. When she sends packages, I know that there will be something for both kids. When she calls, she asks about both kids. I think that this has been very healthy and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know that if Maddie ever has questions about her adoption, her birth family is only a phone call away. Maddie’s birth family has been very respectful of boundaries. We didn’t really set up guidelines, they just happened. We have both been happy and I hope that things can continue as they are. I hope that as Bryson gets older I can explain all of these things to him. I hope I can explain why Maddie knows her birth family and why we don’t have contact with his. I hope Maddie’s open adoption can stay as it is. We love knowing these wonderful people, but I realize that it may not stay this way forever. I love our children and I cherish the relationships we have built because of adoption.

"Couples In Waiting" aren't afraid to get silly!

2009-06-29T23:07:00.006-06:00

On the first Monday of every month, our "Couples In Waiting" group gets together for a fun (and sometimes silly) activity. The pictures below are from one of their recent activities. It was a "kitchen utensil spaghetti dinner" where each person had to feed their spouse spaghetti with an outrageous kitchen utensil. These activities really help to pass the waiting time, so if you are interested in participating please contact Rey at superchancis20@hotmail.com. We'll look forward to seeing you there!

A Sacred Role

2009-04-23T14:50:00.000-06:00

I placed my son for adoption 10 ½ months ago and it has been quite a journey, to say the least. Along the way I learned many very valuable lessons and had some extraordinary moments that have been seared into my heart forever. One of the hardest lessons I learned was that this situation that I found myself in was not about me. (It took me about 6 months to learn this lesson) There was an innocent baby boy that would be brought into the world and it was up to me to decide his fate. The entire experience was focused around this little life - it was his life that would be affected more than anyone else’s. There are no small decisions when it comes to the life of a child. When I discovered that I was pregnant it was the instant love for that growing baby that filled me with the desire to keep him. Through many challenging moments and as the time moved on, I gained a deeper knowledge about life’s purposes, and why each one of us is here on earth. We are here to endure to the end in following the example of Christ, and earn our right to eternal life in glory with our Father. It was then that the love for my son transformed into a different kind of love, earnest and sincere, with no selfish motivation. At that precise moment this new love drove me to change my views and instead of looking inward I began to look up toward the ultimate example, the Savior. When I surrendered myself to my Heavenly Father, my prayers received answers; my fear was softened; the burden became a blessing; hope returned and I received the strength to follow through with what I knew would be required of me. Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make and oft times are accompanied with sorrow that can only be quenched through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This was another one of the hard lessons that I had to learn, which is one life’s great challenges - becoming one with the Savior by letting go of pride and letting the Atonement work in all aspects of our lives. My eyes were opened to a wonderful opportunity to bless the lives of so many people. I realized that I was given a new role as a birthmother that was both sacred and beautiful. My life was now full of purpose. I knew that the road ahead of me was not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination. I had the responsibility to find my child’s eternal family; doing so opened the door for the opportunity to bless a deserving family with the most precious gift of all, a child. This decision that I made, with the help of the Savior, is one that will affect generations. I will forever be grateful to my adoptive couple that is willing to love my child endlessly, just as I do, and give him a future. The joy in their eyes that I saw as I placed this infant in their arms was more than I could bear. My heart did not have a choice; it was filled beyond capacity with love and peace. Here I stand 10 months down the road and my life still has purpose as a birthmother. Yes, my life has been altered but it has not been lost. To this day I have been blessed with the opportunity to use my experiences on a daily basis to help those around me who are struggling in various aspects of their lives.

What can you expect at placement?

2009-03-30T14:42:00.000-06:00

Given that each birth mother and every couple are unique, each placement will also be different. However, there are some things that will hold true for a placement with LDS Family Services. Let's talk about the location of the placement. Many placements are done at the LDSFS office. You've all probably seen the nice family type room there at the office. This provides a beautifully comfortable atmosphere inviting of the spirit. The placement can also be done at a church, the hospital, or at a home. The birth mother usually decides on the location of placement. Either your caseworker or your birth mother's caseworker will be there. Caseworkers are great to orchestrate the event. Just follow their lead. Papers will be signed separately. Birth parents will sign their relinquishment papers before and separate from you. After you have had the opportunity to hold the baby and ask the caseworker questions that you might have, you will sign the adoption paperwork. Birth parents will most likely have family with them for support. LDSFS tries to have some sort of spiritual component, a blessing, a prayer, the sharing of testimonies. You will have brought a thoughtful gift for the birth parents. It will seem so grossly inadequate at this point. Of course there will be lots of oohs and aahs over the precious little one. There will be bleary-eyed hugs, kisses, and cuddles of baby. Both families will want photos. Our caseworker gave us some great advice for our placement meeting. He said, "Don't focus all of your attention on the baby. Talk to and hug the birth mother. Ask how she is doing." At some point the birth mother will hand the baby to you. Expect tears of joy and pain. Placement will probably last from 45 minutes to 1 1/12 hours. There may be a difficult or prolonged goodbye. As difficult as this is, you will feel a sweet sense of peace. You'll be in awe of the miracle you have become a part of. It really is a spiritual experience. After goodbyes, birth parents and their families will leave first. You can then ready baby for the ride home. You'll probably be tired. Placement can be physically and emotionally taxing. Expect to be joyfully exhausted. Our Placement: Our placement was out of town, 7 hours away. The drive was torture. We were excited, anxious, quiet. We met the caseworker and his secretary at the stake center to sign papers. We were so nervous with anticipation. The birth parents had already signed and were waiting for us at her home. Even as we signed papers, we couldn't believe this was happening "for real." Upon request of our birth mother, we held the placement at her home. Both she and the birth father were there. Parents, siblings, and grandparents were there too. The caseworker was great and seemed to know just what to say and when. We gave gifts, hugged and cried, and admired this sweet baby girl. The birth family had cute little outfits, blankets, and a quilt for us to take home. They told us how she had been sleeping and eating. Then our courageous birth mother handed me the baby. More tears all around. The caseworker suggested photos. Cameras were traded around and lots of pictures taken. I blubbered so much that my tears started to fall on her sweet little head. I handed her to my husband. He cried and held her too. Previously our caseworker had suggested giving the baby back to birth mother to hold, hug, and kiss again. We did this and took more pictures. Our birth mother later wrote a letter to us telling how appreciative she was of that. We continued visiting and passing that precious little one around for all of the family to hold. Our birth mother then bravely suggested that we probably needed to get on the road for the long drive home. My husband went to get the car seat. Birth grandmother helped us put her in the seat and buckle her in. Brothers and sisters loaded our trunk with gifts. More hugs and tears and a prayer before we left. I sat in the back seat the whole way home, couldn't take my eyes off of her. She's on the couch napping as I write this and I still look at her sometimes and can't believe the miracle! Teresa Kendrick Our Placement Story: Our placement happened a bit differently because we had already been with our son since we had arrived at the hospital, three hours after he was born. We were able to spend about four hours with his birthmother and we exchanged gifts with her at that time (her favorite pop, a bathrobe, and flowers delivered from my mother to the hospital.) We passed the baby around and we were all so smitten with him! After a while she asked us to take him to our room (we stayed in the hospital) while she rested. The plan was that her caseworker would come the next morning so we could have our placement there at the hospital. She was having some problems in her life and she worried what we would think of her and decided to leave the hospital without us knowing. She let the doctors and nurses know as well as her caseworker that she would be back to sign the papers the next day but that she would rather just sign at the local Stake Center (there was no agency in the area) and have us sign at the hospital. In essence, she didn't want to get together with us for fear it would be too hard. This was really hard for me because somehow it felt much more like I was taking her baby than it would if she was able to be there. Her caseworker was amazing and told us to write her a letter and he would deliver it to her when she signed at the Stake Center. Instead of the papers being signed in the morning as originally planned, there were a few snags and her caseworker, who lived two hours away, didn't arrive until 5pm. He stopped by the hospital, where we were being held together by nothing more than scotch tape (a hospital social worker had come in and said that if our son's birthmother didn't sign the papers by the time he was ready to be released, then the state would take him until it was sorted out)- this was something our birthmother had been very against and the reason why she had wanted us at the hospital in the first place (no third parties). We handed her caseworker our letter and when he came back from the Stake Center and he told us that our letter must have worked because she was there! We were able to take the baby out of the nursery and into a special family type room in the hospital. We just hugged each other and cried for the longest time. She said she was so thankful for us and for our unconditional love for her. We couldn't imagine anyone in that room being as thankful as we were, and it really gave me a perspective on what she was experiencing. Just before she passed him back to us, he looked right at her, wide-awake, and gave her the biggest smile. I know that the Lord worked that miracle through him and that it made it possible for her to place him in my arms. We went back to our room after that and her caseworker came in and we signed our papers. He told us that she wanted a picture of us once everything was 'official'. When that was all said and done, the doctor came in and told us that we could take him home. It was an experience I will always treasure, along with our beautiful son! Tabitha Garner

The Brightening Hope

2009-02-24T11:05:00.001-07:00

As my wife and I decided to go unto the road of adoption, we knew it would be a hard one but at the same time we had the feeling that the blessings and the outcome of our long wait would end in the most rewarding of all gifts, a baby! Being on the process of adoption is one of the most difficult circumstance we have put ourselves into. The time, hard work, desire and overall desire that is required of a couple to go through the process from beginning to end becomes exhausting and sometimes burdensome. Very soon after we had put ourselves to the task, we found out that one of the hardest times a couple waiting for an adoption to happen, is the so known “waiting time”. We were taught that one of the best things to do during this time is applying a simple but true principle found in the scriptures: “ Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power, then, may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for His arm to be revealed” ( D&C123:17). What a principle of peace that was for us. Although the process continues to be difficult, with up and downs, the fun of gathering together with others in the same situation as ours, makes that time beautiful and enjoyable. How blessed we are to have a group in which couples waiting for that first miracle of life to be part of their lives, gather together to do all things that lie in their power. We have had so many great times with those that are struggling sometimes worse than ourselves. Couples in waiting has given us the hope that sometimes is lost through the everyday hustle of our lives. As we gather together and enjoy the happiness of others by sharing with us their good news, that little light of hope that dims at times, is brightened again as we see the miracle of adoption occur in the lives of others in the group. This wonderful group of people helps make the long waiting a short one, the gray days become colored and provides an opportunity to associate with people that understand what the adoption process is like. We testify to you that Heavenly Father has plan for you. We know that He loves you and that He puts in our way, the path to follow so that when He sees fit, the blessings of Heaven will fill your home as your family grows through adoption. Rey and Dianna (Couples in Waiting FHE Group)

Infertility: Struggling Through the Grief Cycle

2009-01-29T15:25:00.003-07:00

Just last week, while reading my scriptures, I came across a verse that really hit home:

"He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the Lord." --Psalms 113: 9

As I read this verse, my immediate thought was, "Wow, that’s me! I’m the barren woman who is now, thanks to the tender mercies of the Lord, a joyful mother." That verse has caused me to reflect not only on my personal struggle of being "barren," but also how the Lord has gently led me through the many dark times of intense grief and despair to a place of great joy.

My hope is that those who read this article, and may be struggling with the heartache of infertility, will know that I understand how devastating infertility is. Infertility is a great loss. It’s the loss of the children you were planning and dreaming to bring into this world. And it’s natural and even necessary to grieve that loss, just as you would if someone you loved passed away (although unfortunately, without the yummy casseroles and flowers from the neighbors). So how do we work through the grief cycle and get to a place of peace? I’m not a professional, and all I can do is share our story. But I hope in reading our experiences, you’ll come away feeling not so alone in your own struggle.

Stage One: Shock/Surprise

I remember when my husband (James) and I were first married, we planned to start our family right away. On our honeymoon, I asked James how long he thought it would take us to get pregnant. I remember very clearly his answer: "Oh, I’ll bet you’re pregnant within the year at the latest." Those were the hopes and expectations of our newlywed selves. And when a year became two, then three, then twelve, becoming pregnant became what seemed an insurmountable challenge. Were we shocked at first? Yep. Were we surprised? I’ll say. In a world where all of my friends seemed to have no problems "multiplying and replenishing," I was shocked not only by how hard it was for me, but also how easy it was for them! Which left my husband and me in a very lonely place. In looking back, I think those first two years were the hardest. That’s the time when I expected to be pregnant every month. Those were the years when every single month started with new, fervent hope and ended in crushing disappointment.

Stage Two: Denial

We lived in the "denial" stage of the grief cycle for quite a number of years. As our infertility is unexplained, we received many reassurances from medical professionals that we were right to hope that I would become pregnant in time. While "denial" was sometimes a more comfortable place for me to be (it often kept me from feeling the full brunt of the pain) denial was also a big stumbling block in my path to parenthood. I wouldn’t even consider adoption for many years, as I stubbornly clung to my hope of pregnancy. After our one successful attempt at conceiving, only to miscarry later, we felt justified in denying we had a problem. After all, I had become pregnant once—surely I would be able to again! Although it’s good to hope, I think we held onto that hope just a little too long—long enough to keep us in the denial stage for a good, long time.

Stage Three: Anger

Fortunately for me, I never really felt anger toward my spouse or toward the Lord (although those feelings are quite common, too). But I was so, so angry about the situation! I felt so helpless, so out of control. Just intense frustration and loneliness. I felt that I was the only person in the whole world who was going through this trial. I didn’t like going to Enrichment nights because I knew, no matter who I sat by, the conversation would quickly turn to epidurals, nursing and other pregnancy hot topics. Then I’d feel so left out, and so angry that I was feeling frustrated at a church meeting! And then, of course, I’d see moms in the store who were yelling at their kids, or stories on the news about abortions, and I’d just want to scream, "It’s not fair!" And it wasn’t fair. But anger soon gave way to bouts of guilt.

Stage Four: Guilt

My personality leans naturally toward feeling lots of guilt even under normal conditions, so I thrived pretty well in the guilt stage! For one thing, I knew that it was me that was infertile. Even though we were "unexplained," all of James’ medical tests reported that he was A-OK, Mr. Fertile Freddy. So the problem had to lie with me on some sort of cellular level, and for that I felt so guilty! Do you remember Star Wars Episode Two when Anikan Skywalker yells, "He’s holding me back!" and smashes an object against the wall? That’s how I felt. Like I was holding James back. I don’t know how many times I said things like, "Oh, if you’d only married so-and-so (inserting old girlfriend’s names here), you’d probably have five children by now!" and I’d constantly apologize for "holding him back." (Note: James said all of the right things at these times, bless him. To him, infertility was our problem, not my problem.) But I really did feel genuine guilt, like I was holding back happiness for James.

I also felt guilty because I felt I must not be worthy enough. Sometimes, during Fast and Testimony meeting, the mother of a newly-blessed baby would stand and express her gratitude that Heavenly Father trusted her with this beautiful baby, blah blah blah. You’ve all heard the testimony. Anyway, I would feel so ashamed that Heavenly Father apparently didn’t trust me. And that would bring me back to that scripture mastery scripture about blessings being predicated on obedience to laws, from which I concluded that I must not be keeping the right "baby law" in order to be blessed with a baby! And if you think those feelings of guilt played havoc with my sense of self-worth, you’re right.

In talking to my husband about the guilt stage, he also reminded me that he felt a lot of guilt because he couldn’t do anything to fix our situation. As you know, men are big on fixing things, and watching me sob and not being able to help me was very difficult for James. He felt guilty because there wasn’t a darn thing he could do (except hold me, which I appreciated). We also felt some guilt because we felt we were letting our friends and families down, especially after our two attempts at in vitro, when family members had chipped in their money and the whole family, right down to the second cousins, were praying and fasting for us. To tell them it didn’t work was not only cruelly disappointing to them—we felt guilty that we didn’t deliver to their expectations (and we were a bad financial investment to boot!). They didn’t make us feel that way—they mourned with us—but we couldn’t help but feel like we let everyone down.

Stage Five: Grief

Of course there were many times when I felt just plain, undiluted, heart-wrenching grief. My lowest point was after our first attempt at in vitro failed. I’ve never felt so much grief as I did then, like I’d never smile again or laugh, or want to go to Disneyland or eat, or get out of bed. I just looked into my future and saw nothing but nothingness. The pain completely consumed me. But you know what? I think I had to feel that level of grief before I could resolve my infertility and come to grips with the situation. I had to feel that depth of pain before I could finally say to the Lord, "Thy will be done," and hand it over to Him.

I also remember that we got to a point where James was questioning whether or not having children was worth all of grief. There was a time, after a surgery, when I passed out on the bathroom floor and scared him to death. He thought, "Children just aren’t worth it if I might lose my wife." It was difficult for him to watch me get poked, and prodded, and have bruises from head to toe. So let’s not forget the husband’s feelings in all of this—they experience grief, too—not only grieving for their childlessness but also grieving for the pain their wives are experiencing.

Stage Six: Resolve

I can honestly say that after our long road, I’m at peace with my infertility now. I actually felt at peace even before we put our adoption papers in. I just came to a point where I just accepted it, and it was okay. The Lord helped me shoulder the burden. Did I wish I wasn’t infertile? Sure. But it got to the point where it was just a nuisance, and not an all-consuming definition of who I am. Today, my infertility is much like my near-sightedness. I really don’t think about it much, although it is part of my life. I just pop in my contacts.

And now that I’m a mother, thanks to the miracle of adoption, I almost never think about my infertility. I really don’t. I have other worries now! I’m too busy chasing my 20-month-old and wondering if my methods of discipline are right, wondering how best to help her adjust to her nursery class at church. I still can’t join the conversations at Enrichment night when they start talking about labor, but somehow it’s all changed. Instead of envying my friends, I find myself feeling lucky that I don’t have stretch marks, lucky that a nursing baby hasn’t bitten me (yikes!), lucky that I know our birth parents, lucky that I have our sealing experience. These women are my friends and I take an interest in their lives. When I want to feel like I really identify with someone on the "how I got my baby" way, I talk to my friends in FSA. I’m not alone, and never really was. And you know, I’ll have the experience of being pregnant later, after I’m resurrected. I can wait. They probably have better food in the post-resurrection hospital cafeterias anyway.

Although I live in the "resolve" stage now, I expect to occasionally feel twinges from the other stages of grief throughout my lifetime. In fact, I recently did pop over into the "grief" and "anger" stage for a day or so. But I recognized that this was normal and natural, and I didn’t sweat it. I was right back to feeling okay a couple of days later. The fact is, I’ll be infertile the rest of my mortal life, so I have to expect to feel some pain from that occasionally. But since learning to expect this, and to take it in stride as normal, it’s become a lot easier to manage. In Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin’s last talk, he said, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." I can testify that this is true. The experiences I’ve had through adoption are priceless to me and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. I’m so glad I got to experience the miracle of adoption! My daughter, and the joy she brings to our family, was worth all of the pain. I have shed tears of rejoicing and gratitude, and feel so very blessed! As the scripture says, the Lord did truly make this "barren woman . . .to be joyful." And I feel I am a much more "joyful mother" today because of the struggle—not in spite of it.

--Jennifer H. Lyman

We'll see how this goes....

2008-05-28T22:16:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone! I thought that we would start a blog for the chapter! This will be a great site to check out upcoming activities, newsletter, etc. I hope this works out! Amy